Most of my readers have never actually met me in person! Here is a fun little bit of face to face time I had with my youngest today. Happy Wednesday!
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Tag: family
Being Present
I am hurting in too many places to name; exhausted beyond staying awake for a few hours, and sapped of all my energy. What a gift to be so. I spent it all this weekend, and it was worth it.
I play a constant juggling game of shifting what things I can do, and how long I will need to recover. Any activity at all takes a pretty great amount of effort. This past weekend I did less calculating and more doing. Missing the days of doing projects around my house, I worked hard to make my front porch a welcome landing pad. Tending to plants, arranging welcomes, and repainting a forlorn mailbox left me tired, hurting, and so fulfilled. It was an accomplishment for myself, and it was a gesture of love I could provide my people.
At the end of the day, covered in soil and spray paint, I pushed myself even further to clean up and go out with my loves for dinner. I didn’t think I could do it, but the delicious food and sweet company spurred me through a wonderful evening. The following night, I pushed hard again to spend time with kind friends who invited us over. It would have been easier to retreat to the cool quiet of my bedroom refuge, but I fought to stay up and enjoy the company of loving friends. It was a beautiful evening together.
By Sunday my body was done being pushed, and I had to give in to the haven of my bed for some extra sleep, fluids, and help with my breathing. My bones and muscles complained at all I had done, but my heart was light. I’m so thankful for the opportunities to fight for more, and the strength Jesus has given me to keep taking them. Remind me when I need a push! These times are surely a gift I don’t ever want to take for granted.
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Wordless Wednesday
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The Long Goodbye
Today I am remembering my pastor’s wife, and sweet friend Kara, on the day she left this world for the Heaven she so joyfully believed in. She is missed, and the legacy she left behind is one of great encouragement and grace. I know I was honored to learn from her about life, family, and faith.
Today her documentary came out. I encourage you to watch it and learn what made this woman such an inspiring friend. I am still challenged by many of our conversations, and always striving to love big like she did.
Click here for a link to the trailer.
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Vacancy
After another night of tossing and turning, I woke this morning with my heart feeling heavy, raw. A strange, sick-butterfly feeling tumbled in my stomach. It’s funny what the heart remembers before the mind even has a chance to catch up. Today it has been five years since I was woken by the call that my little brother had unexpectedly passed away.
I suppose it still feels so raw because in the years that have passed there have been many curveballs to handle, which have left little time for the grieving process that I know is still to come. Even so, my chest squeezes tight and my eyes pool with watery thoughts as I ponder back on the special friendship I shared with my brother. There is so much I wish and need to talk to him about right now, and it’s crushing that I can’t.
I want to work on the streets again with him side by side. I want to drive to Kansas to cheer through his epic fourth of July firework extravaganzas. I want my youngest to know his Uncle Ben as he grows. All these things in a beautiful, painful tangle of joy and heartbreak and anticipation of an eternity.
The rhythm of life continues to ebb and flow, even with these hole-shaped pieces of my heart unfilled. Someday, all will be new, but while I am waiting I’ll never stop missing him here.
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Cheering You On
This brave beauty of mine, she has something to teach all of us. During her time in her new middle school, she has tried out for many things. Student council, solos in choir, cheerleading. Each time she has been turned away, and yet I have never heard a word of complaint on her lips. She simply picks herself up and keeps going. She has learned something most of us adults still struggle to grasp; our identity is not in what we do, but in who we are.
She has been pushing herself hard for months in anticipation of trying out to be a cheerleader when she starts her freshman year of high school next year. She’s been working daily in physical therapy, in tumbling, and at home to learn the skills she needs to have, and to push back physical limitations that the other contenders don’t have.
She’s been at clinics and tryouts every evening this week, giving it her all. Friday she will find out who has been chosen. I’m so dang proud of her. I’m pulling so hard for her to make the team this time, but regardless of the outcome I’m fiercely proud of who she is and how she teaches me to always keep pressing forward.
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Glimpses
If you’ve known me very long, you know how special purple, rainbows, and butterflies are to me. Purple was our Ellie’s color, and on the day we buried her, her sister’s butterflies hatched way earlier than expected under the most perfect full rainbow painted across the gray July sky. Every time we see these things now, they are like a sweet hug from our girl, reminding us of her footprint on our lives.
As we celebrated her 8th birthday a few days ago, the mundane parts of a winter day were punctuated amazingly by the sweetest gifts, seeming to be perfectly placed just for us.
As I lay watching a movie with my loves, we all turned to grin at each other knowingly as a conversation about rainbows erupted in the middle of a suspenseful plot. My husband turned to me. “How many movies do you suppose they start talking about rainbows in,” he grinned. It was true. Specific, beautiful reminders of Ellianna Grace were purposely left in plain view for us on the anniversary of her birth. The others I was able to capture, to look back and remind myself of the goodness.
Purple and rainbow, in a dress fit for a princess!
A photo that popped up in my Instagram feed from Pitter Patter Art.
Life is sweet indeed.
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Brave Beginnings
Today we are celebrating the 8th birthday of Ellianna Grace, and I can’t help but smile. Four and a half months seems like such a short time to get to have a person in your life, but eight years later, she is still making a difference and changing lives. From the relationships we have formed because of our journey with her, to the hearts we have gotten to relate to and bring comfort to because we have been there. Her story reaches on.
This week for her birthday we raised money for Brave Beginnings, an organization which provides life sustaining medical equipment to NICUs in order to support these tiniest of babies. With the generous help of our family and friends, we surpassed our fundraising goal within hours. Our little girl, making waves and bringing change. Couldn’t be more proud. My Jesus who promises to hold her, also promised that her story didn’t end with her death, and it most certainty hasn’t.
Happy birthday, baby girl!
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Big Adventuring
I am deliciously exhausted and nursing pain in new places, and it is wonderful. My heart has struggled throughout this summer to send my loves off to do things that I no longer can. For awhile I tried to tag along and keep up, but reality was that my limitations became an anchor for them, and it made me sad to see my little ones have to miss out because of their sick mama. Eventually I started insisting they go along and enjoy themselves without me. My sweet babes graciously offer to stay behind with me, but I know in their hearts they will feel disappointed. I smile big, tell them I will enjoy the chance to rest, and send them on their way to enjoy roller coasters, baseball games, and long walks through special events. This weekend however, I went all in.
I have missed our summer camping trips and been hungering for the fresh peacefulness of escaping from the city to soak in nature’s quiet. No sooner had I mentioned how much I wanted to camp was my man working hard to find us the perfect spot, and getting our camper ready for our first-last summer camping trip. I am usually excellent at planning and preparing these things, so it was frustrating that as the weekend grew near I was making my list of things to prepare smaller and smaller with hopes of actually accomplishing something. I had to choose easy instead of the usual fun and unique camping meals, and I may have completely forgotten a few things we needed, like towels, but I kept reminding myself the prize was just getting to be present, even if that meant pop tarts instead of bacon and eggs over the campfire.
We surprised the kids and had everything ready to go for the weekend when they got home from school Friday. And by /we/, I mostly mean Mark, who took my lists and bustled around to make it happen while I mostly stared at the ceiling and willed my recent surgery scars to stop screaming for attention. The joy on their faces was worth the fight.
It was a different experience, checking and double checking that the bags of medicines and medical supplies were all accounted for, and the heaps of pillows and blankets and bedding foam that took up half the space were all for my little spot, but no one complained about having to drive slowly because of the bumps, or having to spend extra time to find a fishing spot that was accessible for me. Everyone chipped in to help, and we had the most amazing time.
The weekend was filled with spooky stories, wiggly night crawlers, sunscreen, firewood, and a giant canvas of beautiful stars. I pushed myself to every limit to get to cast my line in the water as many times as possible, and snuggled up with my dog to rest while everyone else enjoyed hiking and geocaching. It was a simple weekend, and one I will treasure for the incredible satisfaction of getting to spend time with my tribe, doing what we love, and for a little while feeling like the mama adventurer I used to be.
I have been slow to move today, and struggled through some extras aches, but for the best reason. I will never stop hungering for more days making beautiful memories with my people.
Oh yeah… and next time my goal is to get my hard working hunk in front of the camera more!
Weekend Lifelines
It feels like this week just chewed us up and spit us right out. It’s easy to forget to count the beautiful things when it feels like you’re fighting a cold dark riptide, but it’s the snapshot moments of beautiful life-gifts that help us pick ourselves back up, dust off, and try again.
Here’s to the strangers gifting homemade ice cream cake, the beauty in the humming of the clumsy bumblebees, and the quiet peace of holding a sleepy, feverish hand. The things that tug our heartstrings right out and make us want to stand taller, fight braver, do better. Here’s to the weekend of snuggling close with our loves, refilling our heart-tanks, and showing up ready for a new week without truly knowing how we are gonna make it.
Warrior on.
Choosing Hope 