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Waves of Today

Lying in bed with big medicine, praying the deep throbbing would settle down, but still reveling in the amazing of today. It was such a good day. I was met by the prayers of my people, and it was wonderful to feel wonderful for awhile. We basked in the sun and rolled in the sand and splashed for endless hours in the big salty ocean. My body felt at peace and so relieved in the cool, clear waves. Visions of sand castles and beautiful shells and tiny fish and a giant stingray dance when I close my eyes, and I’m so grateful for the lasting grace of this day.

Please leave me a comment, it lets me know you’re listening!

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An Open Letter to my Grieving Friends

Dear Mark and Stephanie,

You have just joined a club no one ever wanted to be a member of. How I wish no one has to wear the label of grieving parent. It’s one thing I wish we didn’t have in common, but because we are both here together, I’ll be here.

When you walk slowly out of the hospital into the sunshine with empty arms, wondering where to go from here, I’ll be here.

When guilt creeps in and tries to make you question your decisions, I’ll be here.

When you walk by her bedroom door and break down at the sight of all that was hers, I’ll be here.

When you struggle through all the “what-ifs,” I’ll be here.

When you numbly stumble through the surreality of laying her to rest, I’ll be here.

When you have to put your own grieving on hold to help her siblings in their grief, I’ll be here.

When school starts back up and her backpack still hangs on the hook, I’ll be here.

When people ask you how many kids you have and you struggle with what to say, I’ll be here.

When her birthday rolls around and you’re ripped apart by her not growing a year older, I’ll be here.

When the days and months and years tick by and your grief ebbs and flows like the ocean waves, I’ll still be here.

I will walk with you when you find new memories that make you smile, and I will sit with you when the sadness is too crushing to function. I’ll support you as you forge through the future, finding a new kind of normal. I will help you remember the good times, and I will never stop saying her name. I will be here as the landscape of your life takes on a new shape; one that you never hoped for or imagined, but one that is now reality. I will be here as you bravely pick yourself up and keep going, with all these precious pieces tucked away in your hearts. When you wake up each morning still a member of this new club, I will be here.

All my love,

Hannah

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A Rock and a Hard Place

Sweet Hailie Marie. This girl has shown me more about perseverance than most adults I know. This world is going to feel more empty without her.

Hailie’s father, Mark, and I first became friends in middle school. Thankfully technology has allowed us to maintain our friendship through many moves and life changes. There is a quote from Harry Potter, however, that I feel explains the foundation of our friendship even better.

“There are some things you can’t share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a 12-foot mountain troll is one of them.” -JK Rowling

Our 12-foot mountain troll came in the summer of 2011. Mark tragically lost his wife while giving birth to their son. I tried to be a supportive friend without really having any idea how to walk with someone through that. Several weeks later, I unexpectedly lost my baby girl, and entered a whole new world of understanding the hurting. Going through those great losses helped give my friend Mark and I an understanding of each other, and forged a friendship of encouraging each other through a pain we both now knew very well.

I’ll never forget the phone call which seemed only a short time later. Mark’s daughter Hailie had brain cancer. It was an extremely hard thing for me understand, but I watched the family take this new challenge with strength and calm.

This is when I became privileged to know a little girl with fight and determination that is awe-inspiring. Three times over the next few years she fought this beast. She bravely faced the treatments that stole much of her childhood, and she pressed on. She’s fierce, and she’s gentle, and that girl always has a smile. It’s been tough watching her family walk through this suffering, but seeing how they handle it with such calm perseverance and deep trust has been inspiring to me.

Now we know that the time to fight has come to an end. That beautiful, courageous girl is not going to be with us much longer. It’s excruciating. It’s confusing. I know I have argued with God many time over allowing so much heartache in this family’s life. Answers to questions we’ll never know, but I do know that Hailie, as well as her family have given us all a lesson in perseverance, the importance of family, and the hope that can never be squelched by the darkness.

Will you keep them in your thoughts and prayers with me? These days ahead promise to be heart-crushing, and sometimes I lose the words to pray within the searing of watching my friend walk this path of suffering.

Please leave me a comment, it lets me know you’re listening!

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Growing Hope

As I struggle with losing my ability to do so many of my favorite pastimes, there are a few I’m holding tight to. Gardening is one of them. A sweet friend offered to get the seedlings I had been nursing into the ground for me, but I held tight to believing I could do it myself. I so much wanted to feel the warm earth as I babied my sprouts and seeds into the ground. I do not by any means have a green thumb, but have managed for a stretch of years to grow a number of vegetables for my family right in our backyard. I’m missing the Colorado sunshine, but trying to figure out what works here.

I don’t know what it is, but watching things grow has always felt so sacred to me. It truly is a miracle to see tiny dried out seeds change and grow into something beautiful. It brings me such joy. The warm soil, gentle sun, and fresh colors of green make me feel as if I’m in a breathtaking cathedral.

Too weak to stand, I carved out my own small slice of land and sat in the dirt, covered in afternoon sun, and gently pressed seeds and seedlings into the earth. Watching them sprout and grow bigger is bringing me so much delight and satisfaction. Here’s hoping for a harvest, but either way, the working of the soil has been therapeutic for me in beautiful ways.

What is it that you do that refreshes and cheers your soul?

Please leave me a comment, it lets me know you’re listening!

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Leaning In

This past week we wrestled as we processed some new information. The brokenness can seem so overwhelming at times when we forget to give over control. We had a hard conversation with our little people, and we leaned in hard over the weekend to find the good in our story.

Saturday we supervised as our new high school freshman invited over several friends to celebrate saying goodbye to middle school. It was a mess of s’mores, slip n slides, rain, and lots of smiles and laughs.

Sunday was the first time I’ve made it physically to church in months. It was wonderful to sit among community, and to get to visit with a few of the kind women that have been reaching out to help meet our needs at home.

Monday morning we loaded up to watch a small parade in one of our neighboring towns, and then visited the dairy farm nearby to feed the animals and enjoy the most delicious freshly made ice cream.

Every time I push past the exhaustion and hurting to get to see joy and connection on my babies’ faces, it eases the discomfort in my bones and brings me the richest joy I can imagine. I’m so thankful I can still get up and embrace the best of our days. If you’re sitting on the sidelines, would you get up too? I promise it’s worth it. We’ve been given so much beauty to enjoy, let’s not miss it!

Please leave me a comment, it lets me know you’re listening!

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Hard Fight

I am here.

Head down, fighting hard over a perilous week, but still crawling to stand to chant the victory cheer.

It’s going to take some time for me to recover, but I will get there. In my quiet spaces, know I am deeply grateful for every kind word, thoughtful gift, and whispered prayer. You are my people.

Please leave me a comment, it lets me know you’re listening!