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July 14th

Today we remember those last moments we got to know our Ellianna. We were thankful this week of her anniversary to get to be in Colorado to celebrate her mighty life.

Our months with Ellie brought us so much love, we aim to always pass that on and continue to let her life make an impact on others. It’s not always we get to be in her hometown, so we took advantage of being able to continue her legacy here. Since we don’t get to shop for our little peanut we went shopping for another little girl who needed love and encouragement:

Looking for things to bless a baby girl, we were overwhelmed with the small reminders of our little one. Purple with rainbow stripes couldn’t have more embodied all that we remember.

When I looked for a card, we immediately saw one not only with the little Piglet that she was known for, but the quote on the front was the same as is written on her headstone. I melted at the tender reminders that God knows exactly what our hearts need.

We packed up our bag of love and headed up to Ellie’s NICU. Tears brimmed as we embraced one of the nurses who has become a lifelong friend. We asked her to choose a family for us, and she knew just who needed the encouragement. Standing in that familiar hallway, we got to meet the mother of another baby girl there fighting for life beyond the hospital doors. It was evident that God had placed her nurse on just the right day that a weary mama needed the love and hope we had to share. There we were, getting to exchange hugs and a gift of love because of the short and mighty life of our little girl. I will never stop being thankful.

After the hospital, we headed to the cemetery to remember. I know many people don’t see the point in visiting the cold hard stones, but for us it’s a tangible place where we can open our hearts and express our sorrow and joy as we remember the moments where we stood between earth and eternity and gave our girl back to the arms of the One who holds her. It’s especially helpful for our other children as they bring tokens of their love and remembrance for her. Little Colby had chosen a special shell on the beach of Florida for his big sister that he brought with him all the way to Colorado. We enjoyed a beautiful stormy sunset as we each wrote notes to our girl and then lit them, sending them floating into the sky.

We are truly blessed to have gotten to be Ellie’s family. She has changed us in ways we all needed, and we will forever be grateful for every day she was with us. We will continue to find ways to share the hope we have, and spread the love she gave us, until we meet again.

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Home, the Place Where I Belong…

My tribe and I are elated to be spending some time in our old stomping grounds, Colorado Springs. Mark had to travel out here for work, so we made him drag us along! There is so much good to be found in the bright sunny skies and horizon full of majestic, towering peaks. This is our place.

We have seen so many friends this visit. So many. There are still more we couldn’t even squeeze into our days, but we have dearly enjoyed each heart we’ve been able to reconnect with during our time out here. Old friends are the bestest friends.

My little people have enjoyed days full of swimming, playing with friends, visiting their favorite spots, and then snuggling in for crafts, movies, and massage trains. It has been a wonderful break for our hearts and minds, and we have found joy in our minutes.

Our visit is too short to fit in all the goodness we left behind here, but our love tanks are full as we wrap up a wonderful week packed with sweet memories. Thankful for the Giver of such gifts.

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Memories in the Making

We’ve had some difficult conversations as a family about what our future may look like. Mostly to be forthcoming with the kids, because even though we never can truly know the days ahead, it’s fair for them to be prepared based on what we do know. These conversations have opened up a lot of dialogue about the here and now. I know we all wish to be kind and loving and live our best lives every day, but sadly it often seems to become most poignant once you have a scary unknown on the horizon. I wish we could all start sooner, but I know firsthand how easily we get caught up in ourselves.

As a family, we continue to talk about the importance of letting the little things go, and making memories that are rich in kindness and large in love. We talk about making choices that will leave us with important experiences rather than things. We talk about what will be left behind when each of us are gone.

This train of thought is what spurred us to get away for some fun and relaxing family time together. We needed to just be us and focus on enjoying each other and spending time together in some of our favorite ways. Our everyday consists of a lot of time with me in bed, or laced with doctors and medicines, so we went for the opposite and ran for the sun and sand of the beach in Boca Raton Florida. It was glorious!

We had two extra daughters along with us, and all the kids were troopers for the two day car ride squished into our Pilot. They passed the hours with pipe cleaner creations, jewelry-making, mad libs, and tons of snacks. Add a little fighting and a lot of giggling, and it was a road trip for the books. We were rewarded with a week of sun-kissed skin, sandy toes, scuba diving, snorkeling, go kart races, bumper boats, and late night swims. It did my heart so good to see the kids able to just be kids; playing and laughing and enjoying all the things a young one should be enjoying.

It was a little bit intimidating at first to think about leaving my comfort zone of home. I had to push back fears of getting stuck in a hospital far from home. We don’t always travel, but when we do we make sure to check out at least one local hospital… this time for a terrible allergic reaction I had to some antibiotics on our drive to Florida. I received the best possible care though, and it hardly put a wrinkle in our trip. The rest of the week I felt rested and relaxed and enjoyed days of less pain and more energy after drenching myself in the salty waters. My family was helpful and patient with my pace, and never complained when the time came for a recovery nap.

We returned home with tan lines and a sandy car and hearts full with memories of a wonderful week just being us. No worries. No doctors. No scary talks. Just fun and sun and ice cream and enjoying each other’s company. It was worth it. Every bit.

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Waves of Today

Lying in bed with big medicine, praying the deep throbbing would settle down, but still reveling in the amazing of today. It was such a good day. I was met by the prayers of my people, and it was wonderful to feel wonderful for awhile. We basked in the sun and rolled in the sand and splashed for endless hours in the big salty ocean. My body felt at peace and so relieved in the cool, clear waves. Visions of sand castles and beautiful shells and tiny fish and a giant stingray dance when I close my eyes, and I’m so grateful for the lasting grace of this day.

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A Rock and a Hard Place

Sweet Hailie Marie. This girl has shown me more about perseverance than most adults I know. This world is going to feel more empty without her.

Hailie’s father, Mark, and I first became friends in middle school. Thankfully technology has allowed us to maintain our friendship through many moves and life changes. There is a quote from Harry Potter, however, that I feel explains the foundation of our friendship even better.

“There are some things you can’t share without ending up liking each other, and knocking out a 12-foot mountain troll is one of them.” -JK Rowling

Our 12-foot mountain troll came in the summer of 2011. Mark tragically lost his wife while giving birth to their son. I tried to be a supportive friend without really having any idea how to walk with someone through that. Several weeks later, I unexpectedly lost my baby girl, and entered a whole new world of understanding the hurting. Going through those great losses helped give my friend Mark and I an understanding of each other, and forged a friendship of encouraging each other through a pain we both now knew very well.

I’ll never forget the phone call which seemed only a short time later. Mark’s daughter Hailie had brain cancer. It was an extremely hard thing for me understand, but I watched the family take this new challenge with strength and calm.

This is when I became privileged to know a little girl with fight and determination that is awe-inspiring. Three times over the next few years she fought this beast. She bravely faced the treatments that stole much of her childhood, and she pressed on. She’s fierce, and she’s gentle, and that girl always has a smile. It’s been tough watching her family walk through this suffering, but seeing how they handle it with such calm perseverance and deep trust has been inspiring to me.

Now we know that the time to fight has come to an end. That beautiful, courageous girl is not going to be with us much longer. It’s excruciating. It’s confusing. I know I have argued with God many time over allowing so much heartache in this family’s life. Answers to questions we’ll never know, but I do know that Hailie, as well as her family have given us all a lesson in perseverance, the importance of family, and the hope that can never be squelched by the darkness.

Will you keep them in your thoughts and prayers with me? These days ahead promise to be heart-crushing, and sometimes I lose the words to pray within the searing of watching my friend walk this path of suffering.

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Growing Hope

As I struggle with losing my ability to do so many of my favorite pastimes, there are a few I’m holding tight to. Gardening is one of them. A sweet friend offered to get the seedlings I had been nursing into the ground for me, but I held tight to believing I could do it myself. I so much wanted to feel the warm earth as I babied my sprouts and seeds into the ground. I do not by any means have a green thumb, but have managed for a stretch of years to grow a number of vegetables for my family right in our backyard. I’m missing the Colorado sunshine, but trying to figure out what works here.

I don’t know what it is, but watching things grow has always felt so sacred to me. It truly is a miracle to see tiny dried out seeds change and grow into something beautiful. It brings me such joy. The warm soil, gentle sun, and fresh colors of green make me feel as if I’m in a breathtaking cathedral.

Too weak to stand, I carved out my own small slice of land and sat in the dirt, covered in afternoon sun, and gently pressed seeds and seedlings into the earth. Watching them sprout and grow bigger is bringing me so much delight and satisfaction. Here’s hoping for a harvest, but either way, the working of the soil has been therapeutic for me in beautiful ways.

What is it that you do that refreshes and cheers your soul?

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Leaning In

This past week we wrestled as we processed some new information. The brokenness can seem so overwhelming at times when we forget to give over control. We had a hard conversation with our little people, and we leaned in hard over the weekend to find the good in our story.

Saturday we supervised as our new high school freshman invited over several friends to celebrate saying goodbye to middle school. It was a mess of s’mores, slip n slides, rain, and lots of smiles and laughs.

Sunday was the first time I’ve made it physically to church in months. It was wonderful to sit among community, and to get to visit with a few of the kind women that have been reaching out to help meet our needs at home.

Monday morning we loaded up to watch a small parade in one of our neighboring towns, and then visited the dairy farm nearby to feed the animals and enjoy the most delicious freshly made ice cream.

Every time I push past the exhaustion and hurting to get to see joy and connection on my babies’ faces, it eases the discomfort in my bones and brings me the richest joy I can imagine. I’m so thankful I can still get up and embrace the best of our days. If you’re sitting on the sidelines, would you get up too? I promise it’s worth it. We’ve been given so much beauty to enjoy, let’s not miss it!

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