Broken by a Pillow

A few days ago I was attempting to change the sheets on my bed. My dear hubs likes to use these heavy weighted gel pillows to sleep on that feel best on his neck. He was helping me put the bed back together and I reached for one of his pillows on the floor to hand it to him. Grabbing it with both hands I yanked it up almost to waist height only to have the weight of it slip from my hands and plummet back to the floor. Again I reached for it, and again it slumped to the floor as it slid from my weak grasp. And then I lost my ever-loving mind. “This is ridiculous!” I shrieked, and before I could even think I burst into tears. I know his kind words were trying to console me, but I could not hear them over the shame and frustration and despair that rang through every cell in my body.

I made a beeline to retreat to the bathroom where I hid behind the closed door and let loose hot tears of anger and deep sadness. All I could think was, “They used to call me Mighty Mouse because I was the strongest in my fire department, and now I can’t even pick up a stupid pillow. This isn’t fair, God. This was not supposed to be my story. Why can’t I have my life back?”

Silence screamed back at me as I finished having my temper tantrum and blotted my swollen eyes. Then there was a quiet whisper to my soul, “There are countless others who have that story; yours is one that will show my glory even more so because of your weakness. Just trust me.”

Peace seeps in like the gentle rocking of a newborn to sleep. My Abba Father has got me. He knows the pain, He knows the frustration and disappointment, and He promises to make something beautiful of my broken pieces.

As I crawled into bed I did the only thing I know to do when given the choice to despair or choose hope; lift my hands and praise Him for the many gifts in my life. I list them off into the stillness of night, and like a mighty shield, that act of thanksgiving pushes back my shame, my frustration, and my despair, until all that’s left is a calm assurance that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

In what ways are you feeling your shortcomings? Are you able to leave those at the feet of Jesus and trust that He’s got you? It’s not always easy, but it always comes with a huge helping of peace.