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Waiting

Hannah

For months I have been praying about a situation, asking God to clearly show me His will so that I would have peace and assurance in making a difficult decision. Admittedly I grew a bit frustrated and impatient as I sought the right answer and did not hear or feel one way or another.

I am a planner. A list-maker. A lover of straight lines and hard-core committed to doing things ahead of time instead of waiting until the last minute. Ha! Well, joke’s on me! Do you think God in His infinite wisdom knows this about me and perhaps wanted to work on my heart to teach me to be still and trust Him and His timing? *Sheepishly nodding my head*

Days ticked into weeks rolled into months and I entered the week of do-or-die, where I’d normally be in full blown panic mode. I feel like a lot of times I have gone ahead and jumped the gun; made the decision myself and put things into action. Strangely this time I felt a certain peace in waiting, knowing I had not yet heard the confirmation I knew came from waiting on God to move. So I waited. I reminded God why an answer sooner than later would be better for allll the reasons, but I waited.

He kept His promise from Jeremiah 29:13 where He said, “Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.” Down to the wire the answer came through. Clear as day, and from multiple different places He affirmed the decision I was to move forward with. One of the confirmations came in the form of a literal hand written note. There was no denying it.

Not only that, but I thought sure things would be screwed up from waiting so long, but every single piece fell into place with impeccable timing and not a moment late.

There was such a humbling in realizing God had it under control the whole time. He was not panicking. He was not making a mess of things by waiting until the last minute. And friends, it has been beautiful.

It has been beautiful because I know without a doubt I am walking in God’s will, and with that comes the assurance that He will bless this, because it was His idea not mine.

In what ways are you challenged to wait on God to move? Is it hard for you like it is for me? Us type A’s, we like to be in control and on time, and boy hardy is it a difficult, but so rewarding practice to be still and wait. Remind me of this the next time I’m ready to take things into my own hands, because I am sure enjoying the peace and success that comes from following what God wants for me instead of what my limited sight can see.


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Echoes

Hannah

Attempting to take my mind off of how much work it was to breathe, I started reminiscing about things I used to be able to do when Mark first met me. I imagined when he looked at me-the strong, physically fit young girl he met on the skating rink- he probably did not imagine that in only my 30’s he would watch me become weak to the point of barely walking, and needing help with many daily activities. During our early dates to sporting events, camping trips, and hikes, he probably did not fathom that in less than two decades he would be helping me to walk up a step or two, and many of our “dates” would become spent at doctor’s appointments or yet another night in because I can’t leave my bed.

For a moment my heart fell, and I began to let sadness and regret seep in. In that same instant I had a picturesque vision of all of our lives in a snapshot, and I realized that none of us are quite doing the things we used to be. I remembered we all eventually will lose the ability to hike a mountain or run a 5k. We will all start to skate less laps around the rink, until eventually we have to give it up for things gentler on our aging bodies. This convinced me there is something for all of us to learn in our “quitting.”

When we quit lacing up our skates and trade them in for a walk around the block what will we take from that time we spent reveling in the scrape of our blades across the ice, the giggling when we fell and embarrassed ourselves, and the tight arm-in-arm grasping as we clung to each other to stable our stance? I decided I will take from it the gift of having experienced new things. The smile of knowing my husband learned I am adventurous and a jokester. The peace of knowing that we had some important talks on those camping trips and hikes, and we learned to trust each other and respect each other’s opinions.

Each of these moments may not repeat themselves for us; either because of aging or illness or just the world changing with time. What a joy it is to know that rather than grieving these things we can cherish each of the important things we saw and felt and learned. Those are the things worth clinging to.

Eventually for each one of us all that will be left is the echoes of the things we used to do. I want my echoes to shout of my smile, my compassion, the joy that I am able to find because I have surrendered my life to the God who made it. What will your echo be?

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Gifts of Grace!

Hannah

My readers are simply the best! A kind woman who must have seen on my favorites post about my love for zebra popcorn sent a box full of it to my house! It was such a fun surprise, and I want to say thank you so much, but do not have contact information for this person! So hopefully you will read this post and know how much joy and delight you brought to my day, and accept my deepest thanks for your kindness toward my family!

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Slipping

Hannah

Last night I was in bed not sleeping for various reasons and in my idle fidgeting I slapped a photo of my face-meltingly adorable son and puppy sleeping next to me up on social media. They truly are the cutest in all the land.

It did not take long before my phone made a little blip saying I had a message from one of my dear friends on the West Coast, undoubtedly seeing my post while going about normal evening activities because it is three hours earlier there. The time difference has often proven a welcome chasm between us during those long hours of insomnia.

For the better part of an hour my friend and I messaged back and forth, her asking about what’s new in my life and me divulging all the things. After a lull in our conversation she said that she was going to sign off and get some sleep. It came crushing down on me like a stack of cement bricks. I had not even asked her one thing about herself. How she was doing. What she was up to. If she was even ok. I was mortified and devastated. I felt so out of character, so disgustingly selfish, and then while I stammered my apologies I remembered why I had not asked. I had not asked because I forgot.

I did not forget because I was so anxious to blab about my hardly new life updates or because I was distracted multitasking. I forgot because my mind did not remember to remember. It is slipping.

Friends, when I do not call your children by their names that I’ve known for so long, it is because I am afraid I am going to say the wrong name. I was not so busy or distracted that I did not have the time to wish you a happy birthday or ask you how your cold was feeling or if you had gotten the call you were waiting for. You did not hear from me because I forgot. That laughter did sound forced as we reminisced over a funny memory; it really was nervous laughter because I was dashing through places in my mind trying to find that memory and I could not. And it’s terrifying.

Please know that my heart is still first and foremost for my God, my family, and my people. When I come across as rude or insensitive or dismissive, it is not for lack of not cherishing you as I always have— I simply cannot seem to string together all the pieces to remind myself of everything I am proud to be. Please remind me.

Tell me stories again and again for as long as it does not drive you insane, because when you take the time to remind me it allows me to relive that moment of joy with you once again for a short moment. The joy of learning your name. The joy of realizing all we have in common. The joy of knowing how deeply valued and seen and absolutely loved you are to me. Even if I cannot remember to say it, it is still there. Somewhere.

Blow up my phone. Grab me if you see me out and say hi. Remind me who you are and why I’m the luckiest to know you and then please keep being part of my tribe! Remind me of who I am and what I love and be relentless, because the forgotten space is a really lonely place to be.

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2023

Hannah

This New Year feels weird. I have largely guarded myself from it, but I guarantee that a scroll through social media will be filled with people geared up and ready to take new leaps and new adventures and new journeys, to reach goals set high and higher, and for those of us just crawling along right now it can feel, well, discouraging. This year my list of goals are small and right in front of me, but as I’ve pondered over the different places we all find ourselves in I have decided that sometimes the biggest leaps and bounds are actually the tiny shuffles forward. The one tiny point farther along than yesterday. The subtle movement that means you are indeed going somewhere even though at a glance it may appear you are sitting still.

Do not dismiss those small sweet shuffles, for you are part of winning a bigger battle, and it doesn’t happen all at once. It is ok if 2023’s resolutions are to stay awake a little longer, to read half a page, to wash your face… because my friend we are all pushing ourselves in the ways that we can to get to goals that can only be ours. Let’s link arms and cheer each other on wherever we are at, and enter this year leaping, shuffling, or crawling as one magnificent people that are going to shine bright in each of our spaces this year- sharing love, spreading faith, and finding grace and goodness in all the big and small.

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After Surgery

Hannah

I know many of you that aren’t on my social media have been waiting on updates, and I’m sorry it’s been awhile. I need to teach my hubs how to post for me!

My first surgery went relatively smoothly. They were able to remove my gallbladder, and after some initial trouble getting me breathing on my own again I came back around and was able to breathe on my own with my normal oxygen and vent support.

Unfortunately during surgery they found my gallbladder had been backed up enough that stones were forced out a duct into my liver. The hospital I was at was not equipped to deal with that, so they packed me up in a mobile MICU ambulance and sent me to the bigger hospital in town, where I was taken back to surgery to clear out the tract and put a stent in my liver. This was a risky procedure, but was also a lot shorter, and they were again able to get me off the ventilator and breathing on my own once again. I’m so grateful for each of you that were praying for that for me; I truly believe God listened and showed me his favor through your faith.

The following days brought some pancreatitis as a result of the procedure. I wouldn’t wish that pain on anyone! I was blessed with frequent visits from good friends, which kept my spirits up, but made me long for home. With the days to Christmas growing shorter I was pressing my doctors to let me free. There always comes a point I get so desperate for home that I’d rather be miserable at home than miserable in a hospital room by myself.

I made it home on Christmas Eve, a wonderful blessing to be with my people in the comfort of home. I have mostly been in bed working on pain control and breathing, and my wing man has diligently been making sure to keep my tube feedings running, as my appetite seems to have left me somewhere along the way.

At times I get discouraged that I can’t jump up and mop my floors or pack up the Christmas decorations, and my mind starts running ahead of me too fast and wondering if my days like that are behind me. My kind Savior draws me back to His words though and promises to sustain me and my family in whatever capacity I find myself.

“But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.” Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.”
‭‭2 Corinthians‬ ‭12‬:‭9‬ ‭ESV‬‬

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Urgent Update

Hannah

Several weeks ago it became apparent that my gallbladder is the next thing that has fallen victim to my MSA. With it no longer communicating with my brain about what to do I started experiencing some really painful complications. I was sent to see a surgeon about taking my gallbladder out, unfortunately my pulmonologist was not on board with clearing me for surgery. His concern over the weak state of my lungs is that if I am put to sleep and given a breathing tube, it will be likely that they won’t be able to wean me off of the tube, and I’ll end up with a tracheostomy.

A trach has already been on the table for some now as we watch and wait, so a part of me has already come to terms with that, but I also feel like it’s not time yet, and I know God is bigger than any complication.

A few weeks down the road and I am now admitted to the hospital because the pain and other symptoms from my gallbladder became too much to bear. I have a large team of doctors talking and working together, and the general consensus is to move forward with surgery, likely today now that it is an urgent situation.

I am completely at peace with what the Lord has for my future, but would you pray with me that my lungs will stand strong and I will be able to tolerate surgery and wake without a breathing tube or trach? I believe God wants the best for me, and I know He delights in showing His power when we ask. Regardless of the outcome, I know my God is good and there is no shortage of his goodness and grace in my life. For as many days as He gives me, I will live my moments for Him.

Thank you for walking along side me and helping sustain me and my family through these twists and turns. Your love and support are priceless in our lives. ♥️

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Favorites

Hannah

As I periodically do just for funsies I have a few random things that are my favorites to share with you. Hang with me; you might discover your next new favorite!

Zebra Popcorn! This manna from Heaven cycles in and out of Costco, as many of their products seem to do, so it’s important to stock up while they have it! It’s a mixture of melt-in-your-mouth caramel covered popcorn and caramel corn drizzled in white and milk chocolate. Though both flavors are delicious I will sit there and eat all of the chocolate drizzled ones and leave you with a bag of caramel corn, I do not even care. It’s also gluten free, which makes me so happy because my sister can enjoy this delight with me!

Ok, so I don’t actually own these, but I know they’re my favorite because I carried them around in my cart for 40 minutes stroking the feather-soft material and dreaming about what they would feel like on my bed before I decided I really didn’t need them and put them back. I just realized how creepy that sounds and why you should always wash your new sheets before you put them on your bed. Anyway, I found them at a new store I discovered called HomeBuys, but I looked them up and actually found them right here at Walmart!

https://www.walmart.com/ip/Reborn-Recycled-Fiber-Percale-Sheet-Set/941375627?wmlspartner=wlpa&selectedSellerId=101074125&adid=22222222223000000000&wmlspartner=wmtlabs&wl0=e&wl1=o&wl2=m&wl3=10352200394&wl4=pla-1103028060075&wl5=&wl6=&wl7=&wl10=Walmart&wl11=Online&wl12=941375627_10001093496&wl14=reborn%20king%20rwcycled%20sheet%20set&veh=sem&msclkid=fbc2acac6494157e5d41cf3100b43a02&gclid=fbc2acac6494157e5d41cf3100b43a02&gclsrc=3p.ds

I borrowed this book from the library, and my goodness I felt like I had read everything I needed to know just from the introduction! It is so thought-provoking and challenging, and I found myself excited to push past my comfort zone and really experience some of the rewards in life we miss out on by always playing it safe.

Peonies! My friend’s family owns the cutest little flower shop in Oakwood called The Oakwood Florist. She shared these peonies they got in this week and I am in love! They don’t just have flowers; the shop is also filled with all kinds of gifts, ornaments, candles, unique and one of a kind gifts!

Speaking of my love for Costco, they also have these adorable GIANT gingerbread people for decorating! They each come with a tube of icing, and an assortment of candies for decorating. We did these with some friends and had the best time! They would be a great idea for all your friend and family gatherings this season!

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Fast Favorites

Hannah

It has been awhile since I have shared some of my favorite things, so this Fall Friday seemed Fit to do a Favorites post!

This is my favorite lippy ever! Not only does it do an excellent job preventing chapped lips, but it also has a little bit of a pretty shine to it when it is applied, which always feels fancy to me. I have only ever found it at the Big R farm stores in Colorado of all places, so I make sure to buy them out whenever I visit. I just did a search and found they are available to order at https://cvc4health.com/products/superior-source-lip-healer-lip-balm-3-pack.

These little caramel cremes or “bullseyes” pack so much decadence into one bite. I never have the self control to only eat one. Don’t go through life missing out on these!

My new favorite shoes. This may mean I officially dress my age, but I don’t even care because these babies make me happy every time I wear them. Amazon sells this for $50-&60, but I found mine on sale at Kohl’s for $35!

At first I thought these were just an Ohio thing, but I have now traveled and seen these in other states, so run, don’t walk to get yourself a bag of these. Hands down the best pretzel I have ever tasted! Their other flavors, not so much, but I do like their version of Cheetos as well.

I rented this book from the library thinking to read it to my youngest, but it turned out I was the one caught flipping through it for the second and third times. Funny title, but the words and pictures scratched across the pages are so tender and real and encouraging they speak right to the heart. Easily one of my favorites.

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Nanny’s Landing Giveaway

Hannah

Hey my friends!

I have something a little different to share with you. For the past couple years I have been wanting to open an Etsy shop to sell some of the crafty things I do and be able to help offset some of my medical bills that take from my family’s resources. It did not seem like it was ever going to happen, but I worked hard over the summer and was able to open my little shop in September.

It is small and growing, and I’m hoping you all will help me out with making it grow! One of the ways to increase my ship’s visibility is for people to “like/follow” my shop. I have purchased a couple of my favorite Etsy finds, and each person that follows my shop will have a chance to win one of my favorite finds!

Click the link to find my shop and follow it and then email me a screenshot of your “follow” and I will enter you into a random drawing to receive something from my shop, or one of my favorite little gifts from Etsy. Feel free to share with friends and family as well, or anyone you think would be interested in what I offer in my shop.

I am still working on adding items to my shop, so keep checking back to see what’s new! Now head on over to Nanny’s Landing at https://www.etsy.com/shop/NannysLanding . Send your name and screenshot to me at nannerjoye@yahoo.com.

I will draw the winners on Sunday. October 30th, so don’t delay!