After my current palliative care provider announced that they are dropping me as a patient I embarked on a search to find another group that would manage all the things that they had been for me. After many late night hours searching for providers, several interviews with prospects, countless phone calls, an amazing patient advocate, and a whole lot of rejection, I am left without the care that has carried me through these past few years. Palliative care is changing; they only want cancer patients because the reimbursement is better. They were managing my pain, my mental health, my nausea, and my breathing, and I do not know what or who is going to fill those holes.

Next I got a letter from my physical therapy company stating that they are shutting down at the end of this month. For three years I have had the most compassionate, talented physical therapist coming to the house twice a week to help calm my spastic muscles and loosen contractures through massage, stretching, and myofascial release. It has provided so much pain relief.

Two weeks ago I called to reorder my infusion supplies and had to leave a message. Nobody called me back, so I called them again this week. The voice at the other end of the phone said, “well it looks like it’s been too long since your last order, so we discharged you; you’ll have to ask your doctor for new orders.” The same doctor who will no longer see me.

I do not understand why everything that has been essential to my health is falling apart. We uprooted ourselves from Colorado to come here for better healthcare for me. Now all at once that is crumbling, and I am not sure what the next step is. I do not know if this is God saying He has something else for me, or it is time to stop fighting.

I am weary. I am frustrated, and I am confused. I am exhausted from trying to advocate for myself for all the things. I wrote down a list of each of my doctors, most of them specialists who only manage one particular issue like respiratory or GI. There were fifteen of them. I know for certain I do not have the strength to run around to fifteen different doctors every month to get my needs met.

This feels like standing in the middle of a tightrope where neither end can be seen. Unsure of whether to go backward or inch forward, not knowing what waits at the other side. Fortunately I know where to look; up. No matter how shaky my situation seems, or how far the drop is, I can count on my Heavenly Father to reach down and steady me with His tender assurance. He is the one who sees the bigger picture.

I greatly appreciate your prayers in these days ahead as we try to figure out the next steps. I know God will provide as He sees fit, and I am trying to focus on the quality of my moments with each of the people dear to my heart, and not stress about the rest. Easier said than done.

34 thoughts on “Endings”

  1. Oh Hannah, how frustrating for you!!! I’m so sorry you have to go through this! I pray you find the relief & care you so desperately need!


  2. My heart continues to go out to you. This situation frustrates me so much knowing there are options available but no open door. I do appreciate your candor about your frustrations but I can definitely see that you truly do look to God for your strength


  3. My prayers are with you as well, my daughter who is chronically ill has been going through this as well, doctors are dropping patient especially women left and right.


  4. Hannah, it is not easy to ‘like’ such a frustrating story. But I like that you share it and that you have faith and that I can pray for you because you have a BIG and faithful God who CAN and WILL provide for your needs. He will not cancel your care, or retire, or terminate His provision of your needs.
    I will be praying with you for peace in you and for such a supernatural provision that you in hindsight find yourself blessed that this hiccup has happened. Bless you, Hannah.


  5. What a horrible situation you have found yourself to be in! Your faith in our Father is greatly uplifting to me, as I have health issues also. I pray that God has a solution in store for you that will restore your peace and health.


  6. Praying for the peace and presence of the Holy Spirit upon and within you and your whole family in this discouraging and confusing time. May the Lord cover this entire situation and keep you, your husband, and your children bonded in love, strong in faith, and trusting in His grace. Lord Jesus, please, please pour out your overcoming power and strength upon Hannah and her family, and grant them the victory as they look to You.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s