I am so sad.

With summer break upon us I’ve been feeling terrible for all the things I cannot do with my kids. I want to go hiking with them. Instead they get stuck at home all the time watching too many screens. I want to take them to the pool almost every day, and explore the national parks around us. Instead I’m puffing walking up the stairs to tell one of them goodnight. I want to have all their friends over for late night fires and s’mores on the deck. Instead I’m exhausted by dinner time and asleep hours before the rest of my crew. I want to plan an exciting vacation getaway and surprise them. Instead I’m having major surgery that will take all summer to recover from.

I want to scream. And a little teeny part of me wants to quit; wants to give my family the freedom to live unchained. This mess is not living up to my well planned out expectations, and I’d like a redo please.

My friends, I know so many of you live joyful and exuberant lives in spite of much pain. You live the story that you did not sign up for, and yet you receive that cup so graciously, with kindness and contentment that I long for. Please share your wisdom… what is it you do when you want to throw in the towel on your own race and trade for a different one?

Jesus, please help me live for /your/ expectations. Help me to be thankful for what I have instead of mourning what I do not. Help me to make the most out of my time awake, and not have guilt for the times I need rest. Help me to have meaningful time with my children, regardless of what we are doing. And Jesus? Help them understand. Let their hearts become soft instead of resentful. Let their disappointment develop deep character. Help all of us to trust you with our story and to use it to bring you glory.


6 thoughts on “Instead”

  1. Dear Hannah,
    I’m afraid our journeys seem so similar and the things you describe so familiar that I can relate to each one. There are no easy answers that I know of and I’m pretty sure there are no answers you don’t already know. Pray about all of it, as you are doing. Please let yourself mourn and grieve your losses, for that is how the Lord made us and He understands our frames and the difficulty we have in riding through abrupt, traumatic events and ongoing trials. I can tell you that I have fallen into apathy more than once and sometimes for a fair length of time, and that through it all Jesus has remained faithful to me, as my Good Shepherd, and has lifted me back up out of the pit of despair. He will surely do the same for you. His hand of grace is so clearly evident in the things that you share that it is plain that you are His and that He is yours. Remember that He who loved you with the life of His Son will surely uphold you with the strength of His arm, and rest in Him.
    God bless you,


    1. Craig, thank you so much for taking the time to reach out. I’m sorry you have felt some of these hard emotions too. I have learned over the years that joy and grief can coexist with each other, so I am always working on grieving what needs to be grieved and celebrating every small joy that deserves to be celebrated. Someday all of this will be made right! Blessings to you!


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