The Feeling of Fading

When I was given a terminal diagnosis I chose to fight for life. For time, for moments, for memories. Some days it is easy to do, and sometimes I am clawing and grasping at something that seems so pointless and out of reach.

Yesterday put me in a dark place. I had a doctor appointment about an issue that is fixable. Any healthy person would have walked in that office and been given hope for healing and a better quality of life. My third time in this office to plead for relief was met with the same disconcerted answers as before, even with the new information I brought. A doctor I have seen 3 times now, and he has not even laid a finger on me to understand what I’m going through because it is obvious he has already made up his mind that it is not worth it. I am not worth it. My condition is too advanced, there is not enough life to live to make it worth his time to help me. That tore me apart in ways I cannot describe.

I am weary. Every single day is so much fight, and sometimes it is hard to remember what I am fighting for. The memory loss from my brain surgery continues to torment me. It frustrates my family to the point of anger, and then leaves me feeling like I have done something wrong when really my mind is just tricking me into believing something different than everyone else. More and more I hold my tongue to avoid the embarrassment and the conflict of not remembering things. I nod my head and pretend to remember when I really have no idea, but it is the more peaceful path. That is not me. I do not hide.

My body is tired of the battle. My mind is tired of the battle. Some weeks that propels me to fight harder. This week it finds me burrowed under my blankets, hot tears burning scars down my cheeks. I do not know what the rest of my days look like. The only thing I know for certain is I have Jesus, and he is the one who has given me these days, so through my tears I pray he helps me to use them well. Feeling myself fading is frightening, and I don’t feel like I am courageous enough for the path ahead of me. I do know I am held though. Held on the easy days, and held on the days that seem impossible. Held in my determination and my hope, and held in my fear and my disappointment. He promises to carry me through the deep waters, so I pray he will carry me further than I can even imagine.

26 thoughts on “The Feeling of Fading”

  1. I’m so, so sorry you’re having to go through this Hannah. You are worth it, every ounce of you is worth it because God created you. I never stop praying for you sweet girl….and you are very loved.


  2. I know Susan is thinking of you. You and her had a bond of friendship that gave comfort and understanding to each other. I pray that you have good and happy days with your family.


  3. You are so lovely. I know you are in a struggle but it is beautiful the way you struggle. Heard this from Anne Voskamp the other day – The valley is literally His cupped hands carrying you through.
    You are good at staying in the moment.
    Much love, breathe deep.

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Hannah – You have a beautiful soul. I was on a walk today and read one of your posts and just prayed for you. Offering you my love. I love that comment about the valley too.


    1. Jessica, it’s so humbling and such a blessing to be prayed for by people I haven’t even met yet. Thank you for thinking of me and for fighting for me.


  5. I really don’t know what to tell you. Only God knows the why of things and you are one of those miracles that exalt his love. I know that God is with you and how brave you are to go forward is a living example for those who somehow lose faith in their walk.

    My prayers are with you, Hannah. Blessings.


  6. My mother heart of flesh wishes it could lift this trial from you, Hannah. But I know the Lord Himself is with you and will carry you. May you feel His love and care every moment of every day.


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s