I am simply beyond myself.
Last night I slept solid for the longest stretch of hours I have in weeks. With my other half away on work, I barely started the bedtime routines, gave kisses and songs, and left the littles to finish helping each other tuck in, because there was no way I was going to beat the clock to bedtime last night. A single tear slipped from my cheek to my pillow, because in the end I didn’t even have the strength to cry.
I hoped this morning’s sun would rise with a fresh store of renewed energy, but the early hours found me reaching to steady myself as I shuffled to wake little people for school. Yesterday was a long stretch of sitting for a doctor out of town. Sitting for the drive out, sitting in wait for the doctor, and sitting for the ride back. My small frame is rebelling at having been made to hold the uncomfortable sitting position, and morning tears have fallen with the growth of pain overnight. For a morning that I hoped would bring the hardest already behind me, I am extremely discouraged to face the week ahead. I have smaller, more manageable things to accomplish this week, and right now they feel like mountains.
I wished it would all be easy after Monday, but this morning as I’m vomiting from the influx of sharp pain, I’m overwhelmed at the thought of even making it to the next thing. It’s a tough Tuesday, and I’m fighting hard to find the sweet spot of what I can handle, having to dig deeper to find the fuel to carry me through. My tender-hearted oldest girl is so graciously helping me this morning. Skipping the first class of the day to help me with the little one and getting out the door for another doctor. I will sit quiet in the waiting room, willing time to skip ahead to the snuggling of my little people this evening. I will try to be polite even though the office staff will be detached and matter-of-fact, this pain and weariness making me want to scream. In my mind I will wander ahead to a quiet vacation with my loves so that I don’t feel the needle prick that I hold desperate hope will bring me relief. I’ll push through my day by each tiny step at a time, choosing to sacrifice all my wants in order to simply accomplish the needs. I’ll be pushing through with my eyes on the hearts of the people who make it worth doing, because I know they’ll keep holding me, even in my tears and my hurting, and my near despair.
I know today won’t last forever, and I’ll be able to say that I made it, but goodness, it’s going to be a fight.
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