When Anxieties Rise

Dark has dropped again, and with it the quiet throughout the rest of the house. I planned to turn in early, gearing up for a full and busy day tomorrow. That is kind of silly, because I know I won’t sleep regardless of what time I crawl into bed.

Tomorrow I meet another doctor. Another new name with an important list of abbreviations after it to add to my growing list of specialists. I’m a list-girl, I love lists. Not this one. I’m tired of having so many people revolve around me. I wish I could tell them, “your schedule has cleared for today, enjoy some time off because I am running away into the brightening sky with my people, and I won’t be back until late!” I wish this appointment, and all the appointments could just hold up for a second; let a girl catch her breath and sit and just breathe… and feel… and be… with nothing interrupting that feeling .

I suppose mostly, I’m struggling with my attitude. There are many things I would rather be doing, and so I’m grumbling about these hard things. I also am avoiding them just for the fear of the matter. I’m afraid of what they’ll say, afraid of the reports and what they will mean, and afraid of what the next thing coming will be. I’m not really sure how many chips I want on the table, and I’m not ready for it to be my turn yet.

Tomorrow will come however, no matter how late I worry over it, and I will best survive it in manageable chunks. So I’ll take big bites of the best things like early morning snuggles and the friendly steam of hot coffee, and I’ll look past the shuffling papers and the nervous hands. In between whatever moments tomorrow is going to mean for the future, there are going to be joke contests, splashy puddles, treasures to find, and extraordinary moments of laughter and love. Because that is life… joy, fear, hope, despair. Rinse and repeat. And it’s still beautiful.

What difficult thing are you wanting to avoid this week?

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