Difficult Days

I am fighting for good days. I dislike the desperation in that sentence, but it is the most accurate. The pain that used to be a whispering reminder is now a roaring force that seems to sneer at my attempts to quiet it. It mocks me as I try to plan time with my beloved friends, and it smirks when I have to scrub my calendar to prop myself among my pillows instead. I did not expect for pain to be the thing that makes me feel so desperate.

I wish I was kind and gentle even in my hurting, but sadly it makes me irritable with the ones I love, and makes me say things I know aren’t true to my character. There are medications to help, and some of them work quite well, but change my personality and bring out a mean streak in me. In my mind it will never be worth easing the throbbing at the expense of my family’s feelings.

The medication that works the best to take the edge off of my pain makes me staggeringly sleepy. I’m so thankful to have something that works, but I find myself having to choose between being comfortable and asleep, or being awake and in agony. Sometimes I choose one, some days I choose the other. Neither one of them feel fair.

I am trying to find a balance; staying present enough to love on my people, and allowing myself respite from the agony that threatens to break me. Will you pray for me? That my moments with my tribe will be multiplied, and I will have the strength to ride out the hardest parts with grace and patience for the better days that are coming.

15 thoughts on “Difficult Days”

  1. I am so sorry that you are dealing with agonizing pain. Although, mine has gotten better (but never gone forever) I do know what it feels like to deal with chronic pain and do take medication as well, which I hate because you are constantly trying to weigh being present with those you love and attempting to be as comfortable as possible. I am definitely praying for you and your family.


  2. I will of course pray for relief from your excruciating pain! I am so sorry you are dealing with such agony! Hannah, you never cease to amaze me with your strength and honesty! You have had to deal with SO much for a long time , and to be honest, I don’t know if I could! Sweetie , I pray for God’s grace as you continue to manage your pain! Hugs my friend!


  3. I’m sorry it’s so hard. Hard to balance between the two needs. Sending thoughts for better pain relief and peaceful time with your family.


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