I have been hiding. Well, maybe waiting. Or wishing. Or hoping. I guess I hadn’t really quite realized it until a good friend recently said to me, “/this/ is what you should be writing about.” And I realized I hadn’t. Right away I knew all the reasons I had avoided it, but I also knew as I counted up the months in my head… 9…10…11… that those reasons are not showing any sign of stopping, regardless of my waiting. So maybe friend, you’re right; maybe there will be some healing in the unleashing of it all. Or maybe nothing at all, but at least in the telling of it, the twisting, twirling, never quite predictable story that is mine, it will feel more like just that; mine.
I suppose we all have things we hide, or, try to hide, and some of them are easier than others. For a while, I hid well enough that I almost could fool myself. “Fake it ‘till you make it,” right? I suppose without actually formulating a plan, that had become my default strategy somewhere along the way. See, my big secret is that I cannot be my own hero. Who am I kidding… I cannot be anybody’s hero right now. And for a type A, never quit, refuse to fail kind of girl, it has been a hard pill to swallow. A lot of very hard pills to swallow.
Instead of being the pair of boots that lift the weakest to their feet, I am the one dazed to the sound of boots carrying me. Instead of being the reassuring face that will explain things 5 different ways to calm an anxious mind, I am the fearful tangle of unanswered questions. I am the one needing rescue.
I didn’t say anything at first because I supposed it was temporary. I didn’t say anything a little later because I imagined it could be a mistake, or I would wake up from a bad dream. Then it became not saying anything because I refused to accept this story for my life.
That sounds ugly.
I don’t really know how else to put it though. I have been going through these motions of life-fight ignoring that this could be my future, rejecting the very idea of coming to any kind of peace with it, and stubbornly clinging to the absurdity that this just needs to get figured out and everything will go back to normal. That there’s no reason to even explain to anyone, because by the time they find out, I’m going to be back in the saddle; wrangling smiles from my kids, scrambling mountains with my friends, and feeling the siren thrum with the roll of the next due.
Eleven months of being so angry and scared and just, broken. My friend is right. This is my story. It is my story whether I tell it or not.
We are what we show…
But we are also what we hide…
In the scarred and painful exposure of the unknown, I admit I do not have a tidy word to leave here. My body is sick. Every day is fighting a fight that I will selfishly admit would often tempt me to quit. There are days it feels far easier to stay in a ball in bed; to avoid the pills, the pokes, the tubing upon tubing and meticulous regiment that grows monotonous and wearying, especially when I still feel myself fading away in spite of it. It has shaken my life in every way, and taken me far from the home and the me that I once knew. That is where I am; in a strange body, in a strange land, fighting a discouraging and uncertain battle.
Perhaps there will be more of the days that find me with strength and willpower to share the coming pieces here… or perhaps you will know by my silence that I am simply clinging.
Speechless or not, familiar or not, this is my story. One I am still struggling to contend with; I’m not going to feign sainthood and paint you a picture of the peace and assurance I have in accepting whatever new ending is being rewritten for me. No, I am still wrestling. Wrestling hard, wrestling deep and ugly. Some days I come out on top, and some days I’m pinned quick by all the sharp and broken pieces of it all. But that’s the thing I guess… I dreamed my life would be a beautiful mosaic… I suppose that means I have to begin with the pieces.
This may not be the story I would have chosen for myself, but it is the story that will shape me and color the way I view each of my future moments. I have been learning that the sharing of my story brings healing, and hearing the hard stories of people brave enough to share them has made me brave, and I hope that courage will continue to be passed from one to another. We are all broken in some way or another; meeting each other in those broken places provides a safe and healing place to face our deepest, most painful questions together.
What are you hiding from?
PLEASE LEAVE ME A COMMENT; IT LETS ME KNOW YOU’RE LISTENING!!!
13 thoughts on “Hiding”
I’m listening Hannah. I never realized. You are in my thoughts and prayers girl.
You are in my prayers as you face your struggles. I too am facing some tough things in life I never dreamed would be a part of my future. It’s tough for sure. Keep sharing.
We are all in this together; burdens are lighter when shared, right? Thanks Angie. Wishing you courage as you brave your tough waters too.
Thank you Brandon!
I think about and pray for you often my friend. I feel like we all hide something sometime. I think it’s very courageous you are being open and writing about it. Hugs my friend
Love you old friend. Thanks for being a constant in my life.
Wow – I’m moved by this post. I know so many people who are not near as strong as you. There just doesn’t seem like a good word or phrase to interject here, so I’ll just say good luck and best wishes from one provider to another.
I appreciate it, thank you!
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Writing about all this takes a lot of COURAGE, which you have in abundance. We all have set-backs, like hiding ourselves from others. What for? I don’t know. God gave us friends to share all of our happy moments and our most desperate moments with each other. I think the most precious thing we can do is to love each other through our different journeys. Love you, Hannah!
I love you too Sue. Thanks for loving me through the happy and the desperate. You are a treasure of a friend.
Thinking of you! You are beautiful, strong and inspiring… know that we are here for you you.
You are such an inspiration to me and many, Hannah !! You have had many “Ups” in life, but, way too many “Lows”, more than your fair share, for sure. Through it all, you remain a beautiful, amazing wife/mommy/caregiver/friend/sister/daughter inside and out !! You are often in my thoughts and I pray for you nightly !! Can’t wait for the day I can give you a proper Mitchell HUG 😀 Every time I think my latest health battle is almost at an end, I get smacked with a curve ball. I’ll be visiting Kettering ASAP though !!! XOXOXOXO (Aunt) Mary Beth lol
Remember Hannah Mr. Keith And I love you dearly.
Joseph went through a great deal of trials too. He learned that,”There”s no pain so deep that God is not deeper still” Corey Ten Boom. He started out in a pit and ended up in a foreign land but never without the Lord. You’ve never been without the Lord. He made the promise to never leave or forsake you.
Even though this was hard to read and see a picture of, I could see your heart and believe your words. “Choosing Hope”
It’s been a long time Hannah but we’ve never forgotten you. We love you dearly and deeply.
Keep in touch and know we are praying for you and your family.