The Why of July

When the stars and stripes and fireworks appear, my gut is heavy, my breath sharp, because that day is coming again.


The day I chose a soft, neon pink onesie with a frilly little bow… not knowing that would be the last time I would dress you.

The day after I had filled a deep bath and soaked with your warm body against my chest… not  knowing that would be our first and last.

The day I called and your daddy said “What???” and I said, “Just get here.”


The day the only thing I ate was a 3 Musketeers Bar, and how I can’t eat them anymore because I get that same nervous, gut punched feeling I had that day.

The day I screamed at God to please not take you from me.

The day I watched in disbelief at hands that didn’t seem to be mine holding you close as your soul slipped from your body.

The day I kissed each tiny toe and wondered if I had ever taken the time to do that while you were alive.

The day I set you down to be covered by that ugly orange knitted blanket before they rolled you away forever.

The day I walked out into the sun holding your daddy’s hand and an empty car seat.

The day I watched your siblings dissolve into hysterical tears when I told them you wouldn’t be coming home.


The day I watched a deep dark hole swallow up every delicate detail of you.

The July my heart broke forever.

Please leave me a comment; it lets me know you’re listening!

6 thoughts on “The Why of July”

  1. Hannah, tears in my eyes because I'm reminded of my precious Delainey. October will be very hard for us as it will be her first Angelversary. My heart aches for you during this time, and truly we ache all the time, but God gives us GRACE to carry on. This sorrow we carry in our hearts is real, it's present with us always; praying God give you strength and comforts your aching heart. Love you.


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