I know there are many anti-Valentine’s Day folks out there… for various reasons.
I like this special day, not so much for all the mushy him and her stuff, but because it gives me an extra special day to celebrate my LITTLE loves. I enjoy their sleepy smiles when they stumble in to find a little gift wrapped in red tissue paper, topped with a sugary treat. It is satifying to see the awe on their faces when they see that I can make pancakes turn pink, or create eggs in the shape of a heart. They are my little Valentines, and I love reminding them just how full my heart is because of them.
There came a day though last week when Valentine’s made me feel sick. The day I wandered through the store picking that special little treat for each of my sweeties.
I absently stumbled upon the baby section of the store and stopped right in front of a tiny white dress sprinkled with the brightest pink butterflies. A year and a half since I have held her, and my first thought was, “Perfect! That’s what I will get for Ellianna.” And then it hit me like a belly full of concrete. She is gone. I don’t get to pick a special Valentine surprise for her. The only things I get to buy for this little girl are things on sticks.
A frosted flower, a flapping butterfly, a wooden heart… things on a stick that can be stuck in the cold metal vase that sits atop her grave. That’s it, and it makes me so sad.
I miss that I don’t get to remind her I’m thinking of her with a special treat or a new hair bow. I miss knowing to buy her favorite color, and what size she would need. I miss getting to tie a red bow in her hair, and staying up late to cut her sandwich in the shape of a heart.
Mostly though, I miss getting to hold her and tell her how much I love her. So Jesus, hold my heart… until someday again I get to hold… my Chubby Little Pumpkin.
1 thought on “Things on Sticks”
Oh girl, I'm so sorry for those sad moments that make your heart sink and your eyes well up with tears. It's so hard missing your baby. I'm so sorry she isn't here and so sorry that she didn't get to dress up in that sweet dress you found for her.
Thinking about your sweet baby girl. And you.