Author: Hannah

brain bleeds, cerebral palsy, special needs

Holding On (for dear life)

Hannah






As Mark and I looked into adoption, we were drawn to children with disabilities. We felt we were strong enough and well-equipped to meet the needs of a child who might be passed over by others. Although we filled out our check list for a variety of special needs, I felt especially drawn to downs syndrome and cerebral palsy. I guess it was my pride that made me so sure I could handle these things…

Once again, God had plans…

I haven’t detailed all of the things we have been through with our 4 month old, Ellianna. In short, after bleeding in her brain due to premature delivery, she has had 3 brain surgeries and now has a permanent shunt from brain to belly to help her regulate the pressure inside her head. As these complications arose, we were told she was at high risk for disabilities, especially cerebral palsy. We were told we needed to get her into therapy as soon as possible to improve her outcome.

I have a confession…

When I first tried to accept that our daughter could be disabled I was very angry. I thought how dare we be given this burden when we had already said we were willing to accept and love a child that had been abandoned because of this. I felt extremely guilty. It was one thing to adopt a child that has challenges, but to give birth to my own that was this way made me feel responsible….like I had caused this harsh imperfection. Trying to grasp all of this and turn it into something good seemed impossible and I felt like I was sinking. That is probably very shocking for some of you to hear, but there it is, the sin in my heart.

Since her most recent surgery, we were told our sweet little Ellianna has many signs of cerebral palsy. So, ok. Here we go. I still have some unsettling thoughts about it, but I am trying to embrace this new chapter. God is showing us the trials of OUR OWN little baby having special needs… teaching us perhaps how much harder it is to love and care for one chosen by adoption? I don’t know, but I do know we are right where He wants us, so I am trying my best to be ready for whatever He has to show us. Life over the past many weeks has been a whirlwind that has left me little time to contemplate. We hope we are at the tail end of surgeries for awhile and will have as long a break as possible until the next time she sees the inside of an operating room. Our days are filled with trips to physical therapy, occupational therapy, neurosurgeon, pediatrician, and now weight checks and food therapy. I feel like I have to hang on or be thrown off. I have to remind myself to be still and to take the time to enjoy the small moments.

Here we are; at this bend in the road. Wondering what’s around the next corner. A little hopeful, a lot fearful, but clinging to faith. There are still days I’m frustrated and days I question my strength. There are days I pass the section of little girls shoes and burst into a storm of sadness and tears wondering if I will ever get to pick out sweet little shoes for Ellie, or if she will even walk. I keep repeating the verse a special friend gave me: “He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.” (Philippians 1:6) This continually reminds me that this little angel was brought into our lives for a higher purpose.

Please stay with us as we embark on this journey. Celebrate the victories with us, and hold us up in the battles. We would be nothing without our army behind us.
Her most recent surgery, still healing.

All girled up—4 months old

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In HIS time

Hannah


The Fruit of the Spirit that I lack the most is PATIENCE. I like to know what needs to happen and get it done.

God has been been speaking to me about this the past few days as it relates to adopting. I know that He has called my heart to adopt, but I have not stepped back before now to look for His timing. The very same week we decided to adopt, we found out I was pregnant with Ellianna. This is going to sound terrible, but I was a bit frustrated at first. I knew that most agencies will not process your adoption while you are expecting, and require you to wait until your youngest is a certain age. I decided though that we would just wait until the baby was the required 3 months old this summer, and then get the ball moving again with our home study. It was earlier this week when I started thinking again about what the next step is, that a song popped into my head that I have not heard in years. “In His time….In His time…He makes all things beautiful in His time…”. I had to stop and think. I realized that I have been pushing ahead; making checklists and deadlines without even considering what HIS timing may be. There have been way too many things in my path that have been saying to slow down. I feel convicted…stopped in my busy tracks…I need to focus on what is here now. God has given us challenges to work through with our son, hurdles to cross with our infant daughter, a marriage that can always use special attention. I am not fond of waiting… but God knows all my inner workings and knows I need the practice. So here we are… time to strengthen what He has given us and wait on the things to come.

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brain bleeds, faith, VP shunt

Catching Up

Hannah

LIFE got in the way of blogging. So here is a little update on life…
Little Ellianna is 2 and a half months old now. She tipped the scales at 6 pounds today!

The past 2 months have been a roller coaster of ups and downs. We finally got Ellie home after battling brain bleeds, digestive problems, and trouble feeding. She had 3 blood transfusions while in the hospital and surgery to place a shunt to drain the excess fluid from her brain. She fought hard and even gave a little attitude. 2 days after celebrating Easter, after 8 weeks in the NICU, we tucked her tiny little self into a car seat for the first time and drove her home to begin the rest of her life.

We all kept pinching ourselves for the first few days, basking in the surrealness of having her home. The older 3 are mesmerized by her. She sleeps a lot. Moments of quiet are punctuated by the shrill squeal of her monitor alerting us that she is not breathing or her heart rate is too low. She still will not nurse much, but she takes a bottle like a champ. Most of all, she is perfect. Beautiful, soft, delicate. A CAPTIVATING reminder of what an awesome Creator we serve.
This past week she had surgery again. She needs to have a permanent VP shunt put in to help her brain function. Unfortunately, there is still too much blood in her brain to do this. They went in on Wednesday to provide a temporary fix for now. We are expecting in 3 or 4 weeks she will need surgery again, hopefully to install the permanent shunt.
The first surgery was terrifying. She was so tiny, so fragile. They had to resuscitate her…then she was not waking up… a whole nother day on the ventilator…scared she might never wake up. She held on though. The second surgery was smoother. No complications and she woke right up. Being more alert this time meant she had more pain, but her cries were strangely comforting.
Today I was thinking… this journey has been hard… I have been scared and at times angry. God has provided for us all along the way. He has kept her safe and allowed us to keep His precious gift. I know that is not the case for every parent. Mommies and Daddies have had to kiss their sweet babies goodbye. They have gone home with empty arms and aching hearts. It humbles me to realize how GRACIOUS He has been through all of this. I want to savor each precious moment with Ellianna.

I was reading through my friend Linda’s blog today; she has been posting about Ellianna and asking her friends to pray. There is note after note of people….families, parents, children…on their knees for our sweet baby girl. People we have never met or even spoken to. People whose names we do not even know. The tears flowed. I am so humbled and touched and awed at what God is doing for us. Makes it seem silly that my faith is so small.
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birth, Preemie, pregnancy

And Then There Were Six…

Hannah

I guess I spoke too soon as I confidently joked “well this is how far along I was when Bella’s water broke, so I guess it’s all a piece of cake from here!” After being anxious throughout this pregnancy, I felt a bit of relief as I passed 28 weeks, confident the frequent exams and injections I was receiving were proving helpful in ensuring this baby stayed inside until she was well done. The events of March 2nd would tell a different story…

Over the past few weeks, I had been experiencing bouts of strong contractions, but making sure I was well hydrated or relaxing in a hot bath always seemed enough to calm them for another day or two. When my day started in the grip of contractions on Wednesday, I hardly thought anything of it, increasing my water intake and taking several relaxing baths throughout the day. The second half of the day they were much more noticeable, and I began timing them to see why it felt like they were coming so often. 3 minutes apart. On the dot. I have tried not to get too worked up about pregnancy symptoms or quirks, because I don’t want to be the crazy woman who calls her doctor every other day because she’s paranoid after a traumatic experience. So I took a deep breath, called my dear friend Jami to see what her plans were the rest of the day, and texted Mark, hinting I might need to get checked at some point, but not to worry. I tried to carry on with my routine.

When the time came to run the kids around for their evening activities, I had an overnight bag packed and had sent a more strongly worded text to Mark, trying to figure out when he would be able to break free from work. When I could hardly walk through contractions while picking Baylie up from cheerleading, I begged Jami to please come over and called my OB office to find out where the best place for me to go would be. I then sent Mark a text demanding he come home. I was trying to console Jacob and Baylie and convince them I would make it up to them that they were going to miss AWANA, when my water broke. This, although frightening, I had dealt with before. What I was not prepared for was to see that instead of being clear, there was meconium, a sign that the baby was in distress. That was the end of me feeling calm. I was panicked and hysterical inside, but forcing myself to stay pleasant so the kids wouldn’t be scared. I knew something wasn’t right.

Fortunately, Jami and Mark arrived at about the same time. He didn’t even ditch his work clothes, just hustled me into the car and we set out for the hospital.

Things were kind of slow at first as the nurses got vitals, hooked up monitors, and tried to track down records. It was confirmed I was in active labor and my water was definitely broken. I was given steroids for the baby’s lungs and then talked about seeing if labor could be stopped to give her a little more time. That plan was immediately aborted as little Ellianna’s heart rate began dropping and I suddenly started hemorrhaging. The doctor announced, “we need to have this baby now, by c-section.” After that, my room was a flurry of nurses and doctors rushing about to get me ready for surgery. It was scary to see the urgency on everyone’s faces.

In the operating room, it felt like such a long time before they finally got Ellianna out. It was not delicate, I remember feeling like I was gonna fall off the table, but was so thankful to not be able feel as much as I did with Isabella’s c-section. The chatter between the doctors and nurses was pretty unnerving. They didn’t hide their shock very well when they discoved what was going on inside. The placenta had torn completely away from my uterus, leaving Ellianna without her lifeline. Ellianna made her way into the world, still in the amniotic sac, which had to be pulled away from her. She had been delivered within a small window of precious time. One of the NICU members held her tiny delicate body up for me to see before they rushed her off. She looked so little!!!

I got to visit the NICU on the way to my room and got my first good look at my newest baby girl, Ellianna Grace, born at 8:10pm, weighing 3 pounds 5 ounces, and 16 inches long. She was all snuggled into her isolette, all kinds of tubes and wires helping her along.

So at 29 weeks, I have already traded in my baby bump for a precious baby girl. This will be a long road for her, with ups and downs along the way, but we will be there for every bit of it. We are blessed that she arrived safely and pray for her continued healing and strengthening. Can’t wait to bring her home!!!

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adoption, special needs

Baby Steps

Hannah

The first of our adoption documents have started trickling in. I am giddy with excitement! The growing packet of papers is a tangible reminder that bit by bit, we are getting there.

We have been watching the list of waiting children that our adoption agency posts, and are awestruck as we gaze at each hopeful expression that longs for a family. It’s both exciting as well as intimidating that one day, we will welcome one of those tiny faces into our home. It also makes me feel small and helpless to see how many there are, just waiting… longing…wondering if someone will make them their own. It’s my prayer that one by one these precious lives with by united with families that will fill their lonely hearts with love and acceptance. It begins with one…

We have been reading through the descriptions of the special needs that many of these boys are burdened with. We talk about what kinds of needs we feel we are capable of handling. While we are blessed with the motivation and resources to provide for even the most serious disabilities, we also believe it’s important to always consider how each challenge or health risk would affect our other four. We want to put the safety and comfort of all our children at the forefront of our decisions.

Another exciting development is God’s provision of a bigger vehicle for us. We were able to trade in my sardine can of a car for a spacious Honda minivan, which in spite of being, well, a minivan (which I swore I could never be persuaded to drive) is so roomy and comfortable, the kids are convinced we bought them a limo! It’s a relief to have them all able to sit without touching each other, as well as have a safe place for a new baby, in addition to still being able to save room for more. God is so good to us. He provides in ways we never imagined.

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adoption

Seeking…

Hannah


Praying, seeking, asking, discussing. Searching for answers that seem so big, and yet may be so simple. This is someone’s life we’re talking about. Uprooting a little child from all they’ve ever known to start them over a world away in what we believe will be a life that will offer them much love and hope. That’s a pretty big deal. It’s a position we want to know God wants us in, and know we are going about it in the way He has for us. We see Him daily in the little things; that’s how we know His hand is in the big things too.

Mark and I talk. We plan, we dream, we wonder, we read. We see so many choices and pathways out there in regards to adoption, and we know we must wade through it all and come out the other side with a reasonable plan. God has been whispering to our hearts…   

 We want to adopt an older child, past the infant stage, and are going to submit a package for special needs, which could range from anything such as skin discolorations, or major heart or limb defects. God has enabled us to provide, and we are choosing to trust Him to show us what needs we can best meet.

Life is a mysterious and thrilling adventure for us that has brought us to many challenges we are humbled to say we have made it through. Each new step brings us closer together as we revel in the excitement of what we have been ordained for.

It's a girl

All Pinked Out

Hannah


At the halfway point of my pregnancy, things are running smoothly. With frequent check-ups and the most up-to-date treatments, my doctors are ever-vigilant in doing everything possible to ensure our baby GIRL stays cozy inside for as long as possible. That’s right, more ribbons and curls! I have to admit, this news stunned the little ones a bit. In fact, my heart ached to see Jacob’s deep sobbing and his pitiful plea that “I have been waiting for a brother for 8 years!!” When we found out we were expecting, Mark and I talked about if it was a girl, would we still choose to adopt a girl over a boy. The answer at that time was yes. However, now that the possibility of a houseful of 4 girls exists, I find my heart stirring again. Wondering if Jacob’s loneliness and this little baby’s triumphant presence is God’s hand gently leading us toward a little boy that waits for a family. I just don’t know, but it is constantly in the back of my thoughts. All to do for now is to pray…and seek…and wait. In the meantime, we are readying our hearts and our home to welcome our newest daughter to the family.

adoption, pregnancy

Seeing Double!

Hannah


So there seems to be a little confusion about the tiny people we are adding to our family… it is true, in addition to the little child growing in our hearts as we pursue adoption, my belly is also growing as we are pregnant as well! God never ceases to amaze us by changing our plans when we think we have everything under control:) Mark and I are ever so grateful for the extra space we are blessed with in our new home. We are praying for good health and protection as we expand in size and in love.

Although our newest addition will push our adoption timeline a bit, we will continue to work on our paper trail and have some time to relax and enjoy the new arrival while we wait on a referral.

God is so good and we feel so blessed to be the parents he chose for our little ones.

Uncategorized

HOPE

Hannah

What is HOPE?

“Confident Expectation”

“If we hope for what we do not see, we wait for it with patience.”

Romans 8:25

Christopher Reeve once said, “Once you choose hope, anything is possible.” I believe in that so strongly, I have it engraved around my wrist. Our HOPE…our confident expectation that God will provide all we need to bring our sweet little one home.

Uncategorized
Hannah



“I know the plans that I have for you, declares the LORD. They are plans for peace and not disaster, plans to give you a future filled with hope.”

Jeremiah 29:11

His Word holds true.  9+ years so far, God has faithfully been shaping, molding, and refining Mark and I together. Trials we thought would tear us apart, fears we thought would never allow healing. Perhaps people can’t change, but God can change people. He can and He has. Clearly there were plans for Mark and I set long ago, plans for our relationship to change and heal and survive… and hopefully be testimony to others in our shoes. We are a couple of cracked pots, praying the blessings poured into us will spill through our cracks and reach many lives beyond us. We are so thankful God chose US.