Hard Doctor Day

Yesterday began at the office of my tender hearted hospice doctors. Despite my anxiety, I am always soothed by the kind hands and gentle eyes that meet me. Hearts that truly want to help; to listen and find the thing that will make my days the most bearable. I always end these visits knowing that I matter, that my needs are important, and that I have a team in my corner.

My heart thumped more uncomfortable as I had to brave the pulmonary office later. There is not the same gentle atmosphere, but one of facts, hustle and bustle. I knew by my panting for air and the bluish of my fingernails that I was fighting harder. There was no tenderness in the hard words; my days could be changing, my lungs needing more support. My positivity deflated as I considered my days tethered to these machines that help me suck in and out the air of living.

Immensely sad is what I know I felt, but it came out as anger. I didn’t even know where to direct it, and my sweet little loves ended up getting the brunt of my frustration as I reeled with how to reconcile my thoughts and fears. I finally removed myself, tucking early into bed so as to not keep expressing my frustration to the people I love so dearly. Some days you just have to put it all to bed; pick it up again when your courage is renewed.

The facts are the same today, and my heart is still sad, but I am renewed in my hope for these coming days. There is nothing I won’t do to fight for more beautiful days with my people. Expectations laid aside, for I know that the true meaning of my days is not found in my misguided expectations, but it’s found in the great gift of deeply loving and being deeply loved by my people. That’s where you’ll find me; wrestling another hard bit of my story, but drinking deep in the grace found all around me.

Please leave me a comment, it lets me know you’re listening!

17 thoughts on “Hard Doctor Day”

  1. My dear lovely friend, I’m sorry for the sadness some medical teams can leave you with. Thank God for Hospice and all their love and kindness. You’re all the nice things friends say about you, awesome, beautiful, courageous, etc. but there’s something else; I know there’s hope and much love in your heart, your family – loves of your life. You know that I love you very deeply and I’m hurting inside so much. Jesus will wipe all our tears away, and to be honest, I need that. May the Lord be with you loving, comforting, soothing and bringing peace to your soul. Love you, Sue


    1. Sue, you are such a kind and encouraging friend to me. I’m thankful to have you in my life. I’m sorry for the sadness it brings, but I know our God is one of comfort and renewal. Love you.


  2. I will not even pretend to understand where you are right now. I do know one thing, you are such a strong woman! I wish I was still close by to spend time with you. You are such a dear person. 🤗


  3. Hannah your heart is beautiful and faith and gratefulness so deep. Thank you for being so vulnerable and sharing.
    Lots of love


  4. Hannah, I just stumbled onto your blog after so many years since that one day when I came to visit you at your house and our kids played together. Bless you Hannah and I just don’t even know what to say except that I am proud of you for processing your journey here and sharing the raw and beautiful and real. Hugs to you and prayers for help along this hard journey you are on. xoxo-Rebecca Mutz


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