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Someday. A letter to my children.

There has been a lot of praise this week for the Mothers. I love and cherish each and every “you’re the best mom in the world,” but I can’t help but wonder what my kids will remember of me long from now. It flatters and humbles and melts me in a puddle to hear them say they would pick me again out of all the moms, but I hope they know that I am equally aware of the holes I have left them.

Someday, my sweet babies, when I’m no longer here to look over your shoulder or come running from another room, I hope you remember that I absolutely loved being your mom. I hope you believe me when I say that you were my world. I hope you remember all the silly times and happy times and treasured memories we made, and that they bring a smile to your face every time you think on them. I hope you remember the sad and the hard times too, but I hope what you remember about those times is that we made it through. We didn’t always have the answers, and maybe we didn’t always choose the best choice, but we stuck together and we looked to Jesus, and we kept on pushing forward until things got a little easier. I hope you remember that in the sad times you still brought me much happiness.

I hope that you know how keenly aware I was of my mistakes. I hope you’ll forgive me for them; for being too protective, too selfish, too impatient, too narrow-minded, too angry… I hope you believe that I was doing the best that I could at the time. At least, that’s what I thought I was doing.

I pray that you not only forgive my mistakes, but that you learn from them and carry into your own families a deeper knowledge and a better way than I had. I hope you’ll carry some of me too; like getting up early to make a big Sunday breakfast and singing at the top of your lungs like you just don’t care.

Please forgive me for the empty spots I left and the hurts I caused. I know they are there. Forgive me for not being brave enough and humble enough and wise enough to always see them. I so desperately hope that there will be strong and meaningful people in each of your lives who can speak truth and strength to where I gave you weaknesses, and you will discover yourselves more whole.

Each one of you were the most precious, unimaginable gifts to me. I could never have dreamed of being given such blessings as you. You rocked my world and colored it and made it full of laughter and music and fun, and I could never have lived such a magnificent life without you.

Thank you for teaching me to look outside of myself; to relax, to trust, to slow down and enjoy, to take risks, to fight, to have courage and hope and ambition. I hope that the string that I gave you is enough to hold onto and run into the world; exploring and learning and conquering and becoming everything you dream you can possibly be.

I hope you will feel glad that I was your mom. I hope you can keep the good parts of me and ditch the bad, and keep making an infinite number more of the best of yourself.

You are my children; you made me a mama. Showed me how strong and how flexible and how silly and how important I could be, and it was incredible.

I love you each; from the bottom of the ocean, to the top of the sky.

Love,

Mom

6 thoughts on “Someday. A letter to my children.”

  1. This hurts because right now I cant be with mine. And my mother….she decided she didn’t want me, and my sons told me or at least Zachary that he didn’t want me. Told me to go away and never come back. And Jonathan …..hes just a mess…..Robert insists on preventing me from communicating with my children. That Indian man tried to get me to never go see my girls again…..to just give them over to Robert and his family. That is why you have to take your own advice. And he kept saying, “I’m a pastor, this is my advice to you.” I said, “These children are mine. I’m not going to drop out of their world like my parents did mine.” Jon is so funny sometimes. He ignores me the whole year. Won’t answer the phone, wont have real communication with me, but boy when I miss his birthday. Ya’ll pray for me. There was someone like me, maybe two someones who felt the world was against them, or one of them their mother disowned them like my parents disowned me and disinherited me, and left me alone in the world, and they both died recently. One commited suicide. I feel every day that God is angry with me and I’m on the brink of death myself. One reason is because I keep breaking my promises to him , and another is I’m not giving him my best so its like I”ve got one more person I have to please somehow that I cant and I’m tired. And the church is almost useless to me. Pray with me? I know I should forgive the people from the last place. Pray with me? O forget that . Tell every woman in that church to never speak to me again. Not one of them gave me a thumbs up when I asked for prayer, is what I’m on the verge of saying. Pray with me? There is no church! When I wanted prayer the two women from that place just did a “mock” prayer which was nothing but an onslaught of insults. I’ve never come across such a hateful group of women! Gripe when someone needs a ride home. Can’t stand to even give you a phone call unless to tell you “your accusing the brethren, or to leave their men alone, they are their men, or make me feel like I’m not even part of the church.” In other churches I had friends, real friends, but not here! Sometimes I do ask God to end my life and that I cant do it. There’s a few I can already say just stay away never speak to me again. Thank God for Lisa! If it wasn’t for her I would have no one and that’s why that pathetic man is hanging around! He wants to isolate me by taking Lisa away.

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    1. I’m very sorry you are hurting. I am so aware that motherhood is not always like the media or even the world portrays it. It’s painful. It’s full of expectations that don’t get met, and as a mom it’s easy to feel like a failure. Sometimes we do the very best we know how and things fall apart anyway. Or we follow all the “right” advice and things still go horribly. The people we pour the most into have the ability to hurt us so deeply, and none of it makes sense sometimes. I am also very familiar with the pain the church is capable of causing. Because like us, they are all people too, and yet we have this expectation that because they are the “people of God,” they should be the ones with the answers, the help, the comfort. But each one of them has their own flaws, and sometimes the things they do to show us God’s love turn out to be the very things that drive us away from Him. I choose to believe that He still forgives us; that He is not surprised when we break our promises, and yet He still wants us anyway. I feel like sometimes the best way to find good when everyone around seems to hurt you is to be the good yourself. Even if it’s a small thing. Reach out to someone the way you wish someone would reach out to you. When you can’t find hope, be the hope for someone else. It’s a new perspective, and sometimes is just enough to carry you over the hump. Every good person is going to cause hurt for each other at some point. That’s the unshakable truth. Be gentle and forgiving with yourself, it will make it easier to be gentle and forgiving of others.

      Keep going, even if it’s slowly. Life can be so excruciating, but there is good to be found if we never give up looking for it. I’m looking for it with you friend.

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  2. I am laying here reading this with tears pouring down my face. I never really know what’s going on with you, so I try and read between the lines, and I worry. I don’t know you all that well but I love you. I came to know you through Kara and it was at one of the most painful times of my life. You are such a warrior but I know that even warriors get tired. Thinking of you and praying for you tonight, Hannah…..❤️

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