I have faced it. Challenged it. Decided to keep living like I wouldn’t let it rob me of my dreams.
I thought I had been throwing myself hard enough to make that happen.
Last week though, there were words that cut.
I had urged the kids that if they diligently and obediently completed their chores and schoolwork, I would take them out for some fun that afternoon. Obviously, since that was the first time in their lives that they had ever been required to do work or school, I was met with grumbling from one tired heart.
Sitting at the top of the stairs, my presence unknown, I could hear the frustrations being muttered from the next room. My heart dropped hard as I realized what a deep and wounding disappointment had been planted in the freshness of a young soul
“I doubt that will happen anyway; we won’t get to do anything special because YOU will probably feel sick again. You’re ALWAYS sick and hurting, and you never are strong enough to take us anywhere. You will never be well, because God doesn’t listen to me pray for you to get better.”
My joy fell, and my chest ached at the realization that life, the bitter grating side of it that drowns out all the good, had cast such a choking shadow on the spirit of my little one. I cried. It was true. No matter how stubborn my efforts to prove I can carry on as I always have, things are different. In my determination, I have neglected to see how observant little hearts are, and how attentively they can sense the smallest changes.
That was a low. I desperately want to cover my weakness, to be the mom my babies need instead of such a painful disappointment to them. It hurts that they don’t understand. While some of them have come to comprehend that a snuggle on the couch is the new best way to spend time together, others have written me off and stride out to find the attention their hearts need in other places. It hurts. I want to be able to do anything for my children. . . to chase them around the house or keep up with them at the park. They deserve that.
Truth is, I can’t make it all seem right. I can’t go farther and longer than my body allows, and I am prisoner to the days when I can’t stand. It is a new challenge to reach tender hearts from the sidelines, and I pray that one day they will see that although the dynamics of our lives change, my love for them and my prayers for them have stayed the same. They are my reasons, my inspiration, and my greatest joy. NOTHING can ever change that.
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