Anger, losing a child

Smashing Eggs

These past few weeks have been a roller coaster. It is hard in the depths of grief to see the rest of the world move on, and yet I know each day brings me that much closer to being reunited with my little girl.

The time came for Mark to go back to work and for Jacob and Baylie to start school. I knew that would be one of the hardest times for me. It is hard to have days so quiet when I am used to them being consumed by Ellianna’s needs. I have spent much time sitting in the rocking chair in her room-my sanctuary- spilling my heart and my tears. Bella has been a perfect little companion. She just follows me around and watches whatever I am doing…her company is comforting. So far we have not accomplished anything big, but have made it to the gym every day and checked off a few projects around the house. We have out of town company this week and again a few weeks from now, so it will probably be Fall before things are really mostly normal for us.

Anger has taken a place in my sadness. I have had many days lately when I am so angry that Ellianna is gone. Angry that I couldn’t fix it, angry that God didn’t stop it, angry that I am watching my children cry because they miss their sister. Each day I am reminded of something I will never get to do with Ellie… never make her lunches for school, never put her hair in pigtails, never see her lose her first tooth, never watch her eat birthday cake… it makes me so ANGRY. I talked with the kids about being angry. I told them I was feeling mad and they said they were too… we talked about how it’s ok to be mad about it. At the suggestion of a friend, we had a therapuetic egg-smashing session in the bath tub. The kids were a little shocked at first (probably that I was letting them do this!) but they joined right in and together we threw and smashed our anger out and watched it dribble down the drain. I saw a lot more smiles after that.
I did not really feel like celebrating on my birthday. I felt sad that it was the first special celebration that Ellianna was not here for. Mark and the kids made it special though and we all wrote letters to Ellie on balloons and sent them soaring up to the sky from her grave. It was really meaningful to all of us to feel like we could put our thoughts into something tangible.

Joy will come. We don’t know when it will come, but we are confident that there is a Healer of broken hearts, and ours are His to heal.

“Those who have been ransomed by the Lord will return.
They will enter Jerusalem singing,
crowned with everlasting JOY.
Sorrow and mourning will disappear,
and they will be filled with JOY and gladness. I, yes I, am the one who comforts you.”
Isaiah 51:11-12

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