Tonight I’m angry. I was looking back at pictures of my amazing birthday party in August, and suddenly seeing myself in a flowery sundress, my long, slender neck kissing the curves of my collarbones without any tubing jammed in it was too much. I’m angry that I have to live with a hole in my neck to have more time. I’m angry that I can’t ever snorkel again, or go anywhere without lugging a bunch of medical gear around with me. I’m angry that my family has to deal with the fear and the routine and the stares I’m going to get out in public.
When is enough enough? Are the prayers of my family and friends just vapors that disappear into the atmosphere? Have I not surrendered enough of myself to trust God and believe he will use my story for good? Why does it have to strip literally everything from me first? Can’t I hold onto a little of my dignity?
I remember Lamentations says “pour out your heart like water in the presence of the Lord.“ So I do. All of my agony and my questions and my fear I dump like buckets at His feet. I stomp in the puddle just for good measure. Then I wait. All is quiet. My shattered pieces spread like cracks in a deep, frozen lake. Nothing.
Then as I tidy up my area for bed a notecard slips from the pages of my Bible. The curvy handwriting is not mine, and I have to strain to read it.
“Because of the Lord’s great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail. They are new every morning; great is your faithfulness. I say to myself, ‘the Lord is my portion; therefore I will wait for Him.’”
I flip to the page in my Bible and it continues; “The Lord is good to those whose hope is in Him… it is good to wait quietly for the salvation of the Lord.”
Wait. Quietly. At the bottom of the card is scrawled, “in the waiting it can be hard to trust His faithfulness.” Yes Father, it can be. Thank you for showing me that you know that. Thank you that you see me, and my struggle is not unknown to you.
With a serene peace replacing my recent fury I have a new thought to chew over. Waiting. Waiting expectantly. Knowing that my rescue is coming, and all I have to do is quiet myself and be ready for it.
He has never failed me yet.
Choosing Hope 
Hannah, Thanks for sharing your heart and for being so real. I can’t even begin to imagine all you’ve been through and continue to go through. But…what I do see and know from watching you live out your faith in Jesus is that God is faithful…He cares about the things we care about…He sees us…He loves us…He has a plan in all things…our suffering is never wasted…and He never leaves. Sending you hugs and prayers and much love sweet friend. 💕
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Thank you my friend. Thank you for being here for the Higgs and the lows.
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I can’t even begin to say I understand but know that you’re living with a lasting legacy and your family is seeing your love for Jesus in the difficulty of your illness.
He is the answer in the good, the bad, the little, the big, and all the places and things in between.
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Such a true and comforting reminder. Thank you!
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Thank you for writing…I’ve been sharing your posts with others to offer them encouragement in the things they’re experiencing in life, your posts are touching those outside your own family even. Keep writing and shining Jesus, and keep pursuing your goal of writing your book/books.❤️He’s got you!!
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Thank you! 💕
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You have the right to be angry. Angry at this disease. Angry at Society. But not angry at God because we don’t understand his plan. Tie a knot and hang on.
Wayne
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Thank you for the perspective Wayne!
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Fury is an honest and understandable response to what you are going through, Hannah. Thanks for baring what is, for some, an uncomfortable truth. But the Lord knows our frame and He knows what is going on inside of us. The only question is whether we will be honest and express it to him. He is ever faithful to lift us up before we sink too low.
I have a plaque on my wall that hung in my grandparents’ house that reads, “Jesus Never Fails.” I look at it all the time and its simple yet profound truth never ceases to encourage my soul. May it encourage yours also.
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I love that message, Craig. That’s all we really need to remember. Thank you!
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Thank you for sharing your struggles and faith. When our bodies fail us in various ways, it can be difficult to trust Jesus.
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As I read your emotional heartfelt confession to the Lord, I’m reminded of much of the prayers of the Psalmist. Pouring out one’s heavy heart and hurt to the Lord. He understands our questions. He is not offended. Yet you continue to trust in the goodness of God. Such faithfulness, as God is so faithful. You and your family are in my prayers.
My flesh and my heart may fail, but God is the strength of my heart, my portion forever. Psalm 73:26
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