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Cracks

I have been bedridden since February. Not exactly how I hoped this year would start. I feel like I miss so much when I’m tucked away in the corner of my bedroom. Weeks tick by and I keep hoping to put the worst of this year behind me.

Enter Covid-19. Suddenly my babies are home all day every day, and I’m a first grade teacher lying flat on my back in bed. He hasn’t complained; each day he climbs up onto the bed next to me and we do math, reading, writing, science… nestled among the pillows. But my heart is sad, disappointed. I’ve been given this incredible opportunity to have my littlest boy by my side for weeks on end, and the reel of my mind spins fast thinking of all the creative and memorable things I could be doing with him during this most intimate season of learning. Instead I feel trapped; bound to the square corners of my king-sized bed and quickly losing my son’s interest in the monotony of the same assignments day after day.

My husband works overtime; committed to his full-time job while also managing all of the meals, the laundry, the errands, the breaking up of fights as the tension of this season wears on everyone. I see the overwhelm and worry in the lines of his face and in the soft hunch of his shoulders. He’s married 18 years, but acting the role of single parent to the children and caregiver to his young wife. It silently breaks me.

Like most people during these unprecedented times, I am grieving many losses. Cancelled trips, time spent with friends and family, going to my little’s viola concert, attending my firstborn’s high school graduation. All of the little daily comings and goings that make life seem “normal.” Add to that my inability to be up and around occupying myself, and my heart has felt heavy and anxious. I have intensely missed gardening. For years as the winter months dissolve I have started seeds in my windows that have grown to beautiful plants cradled in the warm earth and bearing armloads of delicious produce and extraordinary joy. During these months that I have spent studying the ceiling from my place in bed I have grown more and more sad that the therapeutic tending of a small vegetable garden won’t be happening for me this year.

Wood. Saws. Screws. Measuring and cutting and pounding and smoothing, and a triumphant grin from my big-hearted husband as he shows me the hearty garden bed he has built to coax me out into the sunshine. Since I hadn’t been able to start seeds this year, he brought home small potted stalks of green life, ready to place in the fertile plot of sunshine. Oh how my soul sang as I gave thanks for the opportunity to tend something so special to me.

It took days of reaching for strength, of practicing standing without being overcome by the pain and vomiting that has plagued my body, but one cool gray day it happened. I was gifted with a period of strength and calm in my body, and along with a first grader who was growing wiggly with math and phonics in my big bed, I grabbed my garden gloves and we made a dash for the large box of deep earth. Together with chilled fingers and dusty knees, my little and I carefully tucked the robust plants and some dry seeds into the well-worked soil. It took all of my portion of strength for the day, but when we finished I had such peace and an exuberant sense of anticipation to watch my garden grow. It was such a gift.

I love his face SO much!

But, 2020.

As I was closing the shades of my bedroom window that overlooks the garden, I peeked out at the neat rows of leaves and plant markers that I had finished a few hours earlier. I involuntarily sucked air in fast, sharp. My garden was in a state of upheaval. Plants toppled. Leaves torn. Stakes scattered. Ragged holes dug in the once smooth dark earth. After many days of not giving the raised box any notice, apparently our dog had decided today was the day to climb into it and go tearing around in circles, digging holes and trampling plants.

And I cracked.

In that moment, the future felt empty of all the things to look forward to. While I burrowed under my quilt and felt the hollow in my chest and the sting in my eyes, I thought to myself how absolutely minuscule it was in the big scheme of things. A garden. There are so many huge battles people are fighting around the world; cancer, unemployment, divorce, death of loved ones… the list is endless. My family is safe, employed, fed, and sheltered, and yet the toppling of my vegetable garden is what undid me. I started to feel a little embarrassed at my ungratefulness.

The more I thought about it though, the more I realized maybe we all are a little like that right now. Maybe we are all just one more thing from screaming at the sky and cussing out the dog for just being well, a dog. Let’s face it ya’ll, 2020 has been a loop-thrower for all of us. We are all faced with stress and change and uncertainty unlike any we have experienced. It’s not just the pandemic, it’s the pandemic plus all of the other little hiccups we normally experience as we go through life. For me it’s been surgery upon more surgery and complications that simply won’t go away and a flooded basement and a broken into camper and sick kid and a bunch of tiny little things that each on their own aren’t such a big deal, but when you throw them all on top of each other and then ice them with a global pandemic and sprinkle them with a life-altering illness, it’s enough to make a person crack. Cry uncle. Beg for mercy. Tell 2020 that we aren’t friends anymore, and maybe we never really were friends, and it should go straight back where it came from and take all of this crap with it.

Are you with me? I feel like there are a lot of yesses. We are in it together, so let’s get through it together. Let’s be gentle with each other. Let’s check in on each other even when we are the one that wants to be checked in on. Let’s look for ways to cheer each other on and hold each other’s arms up and scream our battle cry so loud and brave that it drowns out the fear and frustration and helplessness we feel and replaces it with the rising up of all the people who choose to believe that something better is coming, and that hope is worth grasping for.

Please leave me a comment, it lets me know you’re listening!

23 thoughts on “Cracks”

  1. You are so well written. You always put my life in perspective. My heart hurts for you and your family. I wish for you more good days than bad to come💜

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  2. You always have a positive twist despite the terrible things that have actually happened. Love your garden 💗 and love Mark for putting it there.

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  3. I was reminded today that love and grace are rivers not reservoirs. So yes, let’s not store them up but lets give them out to everyone we can. Hang in there sister. Much love and grace to you!!!!

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  4. Love that your husband made you a garden, now all you need is a small mesh fence so you can restart your planting. Plant some flowers you can enjoy looking at from your window. Saying prayers for healing for you and peace during these difficult times. – Jeanne

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  5. Hi Hannah. I know some days it’s a small straw that breaks the camel’s back. I am pulling for you. I find strength in meditation. Please visit Kristin Taylor on YouTube and try a meditation or two. It should help. Love!

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  6. I read all your posts and I always pray for you and your family afterwards. You have strength most of us wish we had. I wish I had your strength. Please keep writing because your words are powerful.. God Bless!

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  7. Hannah, It has been a long time since I have read one of your blogs. You sister forwarded this one on on FB this morning. You have been incredibly brave through the loss of babies, poor health, many surgeries. I am so grateful for the amazingly wonderful husband you have! Just wanted you to know I think of you and about you and yours often. And I am praying for coping grace for whatever today may bring, not just for you and your sweet family but for ALL OF US who are just putting one foot in front of the other just now as we deal none too graciously with this pandemic. Thankfully, we KNOW that God is yet on His throne, and working out His perfect plan! Blessings!

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  8. You and your sister just absolutely amaze me. I admire both of you. You are both so strong and well spoken. Your trust and belief in our Heavenly Father speaks volumes about your parents and how you were raised. Your parents must be so very proud. I continue to pray for you as I know so many are. I wish you nothing but healing and much happiness and love. You inspire me!!!

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  9. This is a beautiful post… I love that I can picture everything you are doing. Everything with the garden spoke to my heart- the whole scene of planting and then the heartbreak of seeing it torn apart. Your perspective is so encouraging. Thanks for gifting us with your inspirational and artistic gift of writing. Love you dearly.

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