There is this moment when you first look upon the fresh, new face of your newborn and you instantly know that you would do absolutely anything to protect them, to keep them well and happy. Honestly, in that moment it is hard to believe anything bad could happen to them.
When Jacob was a toddler, he was very sick. We were young first time parents sitting in the children’s hospital in a city far from home, watching the sunken eyes of parents shuffling in and out with fragile, bald children, and we were terrified. As we checked off each appointment and treatment though, we grew confident in what could be done for our son. We knew that the hours spent watching him be poked dozens of times, and the flow of medicine that left him cranky and sick was serving a bigger purpose. We knew that the pain he was going through was helping him, and so we pushed through it to get to healing.
I never imagined there coming a day when we wouldn’t know what to do for him, or that there might not be an option to help him get better. Parenting is a scary venture, but I think to some extent we always believe that with God’s grace there will never be anything we can’t find hope in. We believe there will always be some kind of answer, something we can do to protect our children and help them heal. Until there isn’t.
I am standing in this hard place, wondering what it is that God wants me to understand through what seems an endless season of uphill battles. I’m looking at myself and wondering if I will still see Him as good if we don’t get the answers we are asking for. It’s a painful thing as a parent to offer empty hands, to stand knowing that there is nothing you can do to fix this, that this pain they are enduring might be a path to healing, but this time, it might not be. We might endure this agony and still not get the outcome we pray for.
I can keep praying for the situation to change, and I may be crushed by the answer. Or I can pray for God’s nearness, whatever the answer may be.
Please add your prayers to ours; we will never stop praying for healing, but most importantly let’s pray that pain would not be wasted, that the story of grace would triumph in our hard, and we would be gentle and gracious as we are changed.
2 thoughts on “When Mama Can’t”
Hannah, I am so sorry to hear that things have not gotten better. Just continue to be there for him, as a parent it is all you can give, and trully is the best he can receive.
Gosh you must be tired. Tired of worry tired of fighting, and the absolute worst watching your child hurt. I get it to an extent, but yours is a place I have not yet been, so I won't pretend I understand. All I can say is it has to be Gods strength that keeps you going, and his strength will keep being there. Stay strong, and thank you so much for your posts. How brave, plus it gives us the opportunity to pray for you, your son, and your family.