This post was meant for New Year’s Eve, but I’ve been struggling with a really bad attitude… torn between wanting to embrace the promise that a brand new year brings, but wearied, so wearied by the inconveniences I hold grudge against from this past year. I have come again and again to write and just struggled to bring the joys and the pains all together to say anything of worth. The drop of that crystal ball just doesn’t bring the clean slate that it used to, does it?
How do I trust a new year when the last one began with such promise, and yet ended up breaking my life in two?
Sitting among shards of deepest hopes, and wondering if I pick up the pieces how long I will get to hold them before they are scattered from my grasp again.
The distant memories of a life I longed for pull me backwards, but life, life before me pleads me to follow, to believe, to move forward.
Dare I follow?
Yes, a year filled with sorrow, but without that I wouldn’t be reminded of what real joy feels like, and that I can’t know one emotion without the other. The months that were full of heartaches and disappointments were indeed tempered by peace and joy, thankfulness and laughter. Seeing the bottom reminds you to appreciate the top. I can love in an even deeper way because I have lost, and I can have compassion among the compassionless because of my deep scars that ache with the wounds of others.
So a new year? Yes, I will open my heart to it, because I know that in the pain of losing, there will be people who make life full and beautiful and brighter and sweeter and richer.
I have my loves who are the treasures of my heart. Our conversations end with an unashamed “I love you.” They slow down beautiful everyday moments, and remind me to stop and watch sunsets, listen to birds chirping, appreciate the death of winter because it simply means new life is coming soon. I know to cry without shame, to love with abandon, to speak up, to listen, to hear, to give my biggest effort to embrace the ordinary, and see the grace in the everyday around me. Even. When. It. Hurts.
My scorched spirit knows not to expect a year without pain, but my soul foundation whispers confidence that whatever the waters, I will not drown.
Arm in arm, prayer by prayer, let’s take this year on.