Those of you close to my story know the last few weeks have been very painful. I have never thought life needs to be perfect to be wonderful, but there are some times the pain is so heavy, so deep, every breath takes effort.
Disheartened, worn, clinging by strings of faith, it took a quiet sunless drive for me to cry out aloud for mercy. Convictions of where I could improve tapped at my heart, and my immense desire to live a legacy worth remembering pulled at the weight of my soul.
That was the night I cried for presence. At the very desperation of clinging to hope, I needed to know that there was indeed a reason for this suffering, a purpose in the raw scraping of my heart, a confidence that yes, God is real and giving Him my all and enduring the wait of healing was what He really desired for me. I begged aloud that I would see a sign that would give me the push to keep on in this blind and treacherous marathon to store up my treasures in Heaven. I felt like I was losing, being mocked at my attempts. I longed to know there was purpose for all this pain.
Two days later, things came crashing down again. The deeper I dug, the more trials clawed at our foundation. Our dreams of adding to our family collapsed. Our marriage pulled thin. There was disharmony in our children, and another joy-shattering loss slammed us in the chest.
My white flag flew. Tears burned hot scars of defeat across my face and my soul.
In the midst of my deep dispair, there was my man smiling and turning my eyes up.
“Don’t you see?” “This IS the answer!”
His voice so gentle, heart so pure, spoke of how our strength is a threat. A powerful threat to the darkness that thirsts to destroy us. The closer we walk, the faster the punches come, trying to end us.
At first, this seemed motivation to throw up my hands, give up my hope. I would be lying if I said those thoughts were not seriously entertained in my mind. In the end though, I had to admit I’m a fighter, and for a reason that good to fight, I’m going to remain gloved-up. The heartache is painful, the blows discouraging, but with my mighty soulmate and the ever-cheering teammates beside us, it is a race worth running.
I have come to know life is filled with pain, but it is making the joys even more worth celebrating.
I’m sure there will be more days of being face-down, but I am thankful and blessed that my loves and my friendlies will always be willing to pick me back up and point me back on my way.
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5 thoughts on “Give up my Hope?”
Beautifully felt, beautifully lived, beautifully expressed, beautifully honest, beautifully painful. Mostly, beautifully encouraging.
Lily, you have walked so close with us. Thank you for inviting us to do life with you. You have never pretended, but instead embraced the real of your own struggles, as well as coming alongside us in our own. You have been there for some of the most beautiful, and also the most devastating of moments with us. You are loved.
Hannah, I appreciate your honesty, pray for your pain and heartache. I know by experience life's journey can be hard but the pain you have experienced is beyond what I can imagine. Please keep looking to the only One who will give you hope and peace and comfort and a wonderful end to this journey on this earth. I have found that in the end, that is our only hope and peace, no matter how hard and difficult. Keep on the journey… choosing hope. It will be worth it my friend.
Prayers for peace and comfort. I do not know the details of your struggles, but my heart aches for you. You words of hope, screamed through tears of pain should be a testament of your faith. Hugs.
To me, your desire to never give up hope is a testament to your faith in a loving God, even in our deepest sorrows, when the liar wants us to feel abandoned. However, we remember God's promises, an this is that His grace is sufficient daily. That's it, isn't it, living one day at a time. I have to remind myself of this constantly, or fear and heartache would overtake me. And God promised us a victorious life, not a defeated one. Love uou, Hannah. ♡