Months now spent trying to claw my way to the top of the pit of grief that would love nothing less than to swallow me whole. Ups and downs, but onward nonetheless.
Screeching Halt. U-Turn.
This past Friday, our dear Grandma Naomi got very sick. She was admitted to the hospital with an infection. Monday, the doctors discovered she is more than just sick. She was found to have pancreatic cancer that has already spread to multiple organs. If she were younger and stronger, the course would be radical surgery and chemotherapy. But she isn’t. It is a terminal diagnosis.
My mind can’t wrap around it. Mark’s mind can’t wrap around it. We can’t come up with anything useful to think about it, or any plans that might help. I guess you would call it a state of shock. For me, a state of fear. Fear because I don’t know how to deal with another loss right now. Fear because I want to be a source of strength and encouragement to Mark and the rest of the family through this, and I just can’t find it yet. Fear because we had to tell the kids, and I’m afraid when the day comes that she is taken from us, they will withdraw completely from the pain of a wound we have been trying so carefully to heal.
My soul is disturbed within me, my spirit unsettled. I know I need a strength greater than myself if I am to bring any comfort to those around me.
an ever-present help in times of trouble.”
Photo from http://e11ev3n.deviantart.com/art/Angel-Tears-10280797
1 thought on “Let me up; I’ve had enough.”
Will be praying for you, Hannah. My head fills with platitudes like “God won't give you more than you can handle,” and “you know that He's with you and He'll see you through” and “God's faithful and His Good is amazing,” but I realize that you KNOW those things, and they're not always helpful to re-hear. Instead, remember – even David, credited as a man after God's own heart – wrote plethoras of Psalms asking God, “How Long? How much more?” and cried out, feeling hurt, abandoned, tired. You're human, life is hard, and there is pain. But you also do KNOW the truth. Keep being honest – He loves to hear it, and aches with you – and know you are being prayed for, ferverently. Love.