Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s… One thing these special days have always had in common for us is family. A time to be together with the ones you love the most; to enjoy each other’s company, and share in each other’s joy. Only this year, these days will reverberate echos of sadness as we try not to keep staring at the empty chair among us.
Frankly, I would be content to just fast-forward through the holidays this year. Better yet, rewind to this time last year when Ellianna was snuggled safe and secure inside my womb… before she felt any pain, and before we knew the pain of losing her. How about a re-do? I’m sure I could fight harder for her this time. Unfortunately, that is not a reality. I must try to find peace in knowing her pain is gone and she is whole once more.
What will it be like to have Thanksgiving dinner uninterupted by the needs of our 8 month old? Will we be able to hold back the tears at the sight of a lone, empty stocking hanging between ours? As we count down to a brand new year, will we be able to look past the agony of knowing she will not be here to celebrate her birthday? Most of all, will there come a day when it no longer feels like our hearts are shattered beyond repair? Because we choose hope and we know faith, the answer is yes. Healing will come. For this season though, the pain is immeasurable. It’s hard to feel joy and it’s hard to give cheer. We are clinging to each other, taking one day at a time… bracing ourselves against the storm. Aching from the deepest places within us to not see our beautiful little girl in that empty chair.