These past few weeks have been a roller coaster. It is hard in the depths of grief to see the rest of the world move on, and yet I know each day brings me that much closer to being reunited with my little girl.
Anger has taken a place in my sadness. I have had many days lately when I am so angry that Ellianna is gone. Angry that I couldn’t fix it, angry that God didn’t stop it, angry that I am watching my children cry because they miss their sister. Each day I am reminded of something I will never get to do with Ellie… never make her lunches for school, never put her hair in pigtails, never see her lose her first tooth, never watch her eat birthday cake… it makes me so ANGRY. I talked with the kids about being angry. I told them I was feeling mad and they said they were too… we talked about how it’s ok to be mad about it. At the suggestion of a friend, we had a therapuetic egg-smashing session in the bath tub. The kids were a little shocked at first (probably that I was letting them do this!) but they joined right in and together we threw and smashed our anger out and watched it dribble down the drain. I saw a lot more smiles after that.
I did not really feel like celebrating on my birthday. I felt sad that it was the first special celebration that Ellianna was not here for. Mark and the kids made it special though and we all wrote letters to Ellie on balloons and sent them soaring up to the sky from her grave. It was really meaningful to all of us to feel like we could put our thoughts into something tangible.
They will enter Jerusalem singing,
crowned with everlasting JOY.
Sorrow and mourning will disappear,
and they will be filled with JOY and gladness. I, yes I, am the one who comforts you.”
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