Many of you know the battle I have been engaged in the last few years, and some of you may not. I do not widely share details because I don’t want my struggle to become my identity. There have been times I have felt frustration when meeting up with people who would say “how are you feeling” or “what are the doctors saying,” instead of wondering how I am doing as a person, as a mom, as a woman with dreams and emotions and cravings for cold beer and hot wings just like the rest of you. I am not what happened to me, I am so much more.
That being said, ok, I’ll talk about it. It has been a difficult few years wading through this. Between stretches of feeling strong and well and brave, there have been cycles of unfathomable weakness, agonizing pain, and joy-stealing defeat. There have been periods of weeks where I feel like I spend more days sitting in a hospital or doctor’s office than I do anywhere else. All of the testing and trying and treatments leaving me wondering if I felt worse before the medicine, or after.
Right now, with some questions answered and many remaining, I’m taking a hiatus from the needles and the side effects and the seeing doctors’ faces in all my days. I’m giving my body a chance to respond to some more natural therapies, and cashing the extra time in on the things, well the someones, that I love. Having to step away from my passion on the ambulance for awhile seemed devastating at first, but experiencing the strengthening in the slowing of time has brought hope to my broken frame, and perspective and empathy to my heart, as well as to the loves caring for me.
There are so many voices willing to extend input and suggestion, and I ask that you please give us the freedom we need to pursue the avenues we have chosen. There is so much to medicine, and so many possible equations that could be the catalyst to complete healing, but it can be overwhelming, and certainly impossible to try every regimen and procedure that’s out there.
When you look at me, please see past my illness…because really, it was there before you even knew to look for it. Sure, there will be some days harder than others, but I’m still a wife, a mommy, a paramedic, a hemiplegic? Ehh, just makes things more interesting.
I appreciate your prayers as we change gears for awhile, that I would continue to gain strength and energy, relief from pain, and my story would bring glory to the One who chose it for me.