I am a binge blogger, and when much is on my mind, much spills out. Writing spells the words I can’t find to speak, and sometimes they’re words of encouragement and hope, and sometimes there is nothing to overflow but yuck. If you’re not up for yuck, or will fear for my faith, or need to correct my doubting, just skip this post…
I tell myself I can do hard things. I tell others I can do hard things. And maybe in the night of the doubting I am really saying that phrase to try to convince myself of something I fear I am not capable of. Truth is, I am tired of doing hard things. I am tired of facing valleys and begging for rest. I am weary of feeling like I have spent it all just to face a new day of having to rally for “more” that I don’t have. What is it God is asking of me? Does He know what I’m up against?
I want to be whole. I want to wake not sinking, drowning in pain. My voice is worn out from screaming for help. I don’t want another battle; to be surrounded from all sides. I want the peace, the restoration of ashes that is promised… even for just a short time.
It is hard to trace the hand of God in it all. Restore me. Pull me from this shadow.
The uplifting Ann Voskamp speaks reassurance through my inbox today… “It isn’t about maintaining control of everything. It’s about maintaining your gaze on Him in the midst of everything. It’s not about getting through everything. It’s about letting Him carry you through everything.”
Ok, ok. I believe no trial comes except with His permission and for some wise and loving purpose which perhaps only eternity will disclose. Armor up. I can do hard things.
Friends, please tell me there are days your valley is so deep that you are screaming too… that my tears aren’t the only ones falling… that we can get through this together?