Month: September 2013

Letting my sweet baby boy suck some icing off my finger this week, I got bitten by the edgy rough of a very first tooth.  My heart swelled with joy at this next new milestone and the thought of the new discoveries it will bring… and then just as fast, my heart throbbed, bleeding from shards of guilt at enjoying this moment.  A milestone I never got to see… and it felt like I replaced it, and it didn’t seem fair.

So many moments, stolen by the sharp sting of the real.

Death, where is your sting after all?

The sting is when the muscles of my arms remember what it felt like to hold her.

The sting is when I see a little girl her age running around with pigtails bouncing behind her.

The sting is when I dream of holding her and kissing her cheeks, only to wake up to realize she is not here.

The sting is when no one mentions her anymore, and the only time I see her is on the background of my phone.

The sting is when I look at a picture of her and her features seem unfamiliar because it has been too long.

The sting is when I see the beautiful green I chose for a bedroom she doesn’t sleep in anymore.

The sting is everywhere, and it is just as hot and sharp every time.

I am ready; ready for the sting to be soothed and the moments to be sweetly savored.  For joys to be embraced, never stolen.

Until that day my hope holds on, though by a string.

Please leave me a comment; it lets me know you’re listening!

This week was not pretty.  Rather, the way I acted was not pretty.

I threw an all-out “inner” foot stomping, arm crossing temper tantrum.

This was supposed to be the week that began the uphill climb.  For the past three months, that day was my target, keeping me looking past the muck and focused on a goal.

That day did not go exactly how I had planned.  Well, not AT ALL how I had planned, so I took my hope and my patience, put them on a shelf, and embraced a frustrated rebellion.  I will spare you the picturesque details… it was bad and ugly.

I apologize to those of you who asked how I was doing and got more than you bargained for.  I am also sorry for those of you that wanted to pray and got held back at arm’s length.  I am embarrassed at the despair my husband and my children witnessed, and also so humbled at the way they stood close and waited for me.  I am married to one of the most gracious, steadfast, patient men on the planet.  I truly do not deserve.

And that is not even my REAL pouty face… thank goodness no one took a picture of that…

My turning point came through the words of my wise friend, Matthew.  It came from a simple verse I have heard many times, but I guess never really let it sink deep.  That night it sank, and it sliced.

“In this world you will have trouble, but take heart; He has overcome the world.”

He spoke of how our time here is such a tiny glimpse in the picture of eternity… how our troublesome days are nothing compared to the number of days we will spend in perfect joy.

Duh.

I felt silly for having missed that.  I do not like to be uncomfortable, so I bargain constantly!  “Ok God, I got through that hard season, now you owe me a smoother one.”  That evening I realized, maybe this all is the hard season… we were never promised it would be easy.

As I chewed on this through the evening, my temper tantrum ended.  I need to stop trying to cram this twisted world into a shape it will never fit.  I need to accept whatever I have to walk through, and only then, I realize, will I be able to truly say I found joy in the midst of suffering.

Please forgive me if I hurt you this week.

I won’t apologize for the things I said, because they were truth… coming from the pits of a dark and very real desperation… but I will apologize for not saying it more gracefully, or being willing to  listen past my own screaming.

At least next time you can point me back to this post and help me remember that I didn’t get anywhere stomping the hole deeper.

I am ever grateful for each of you that journeys with me… in my joy and in my sorrow.  Someday I hope you get to see the story He is writing in me.

My Love brought me my favorite flowers in the best color to lift my spirits…

On that note…. a new week is beginning.  I am embracing it; the good, the bad, and the ugly… what about you?